


Paint to Canvas

by NeuroticSoulGobbler



Category: Jean Kirschstein - Fandom, Jean Kirstein - Fandom, Marco Bodt - Fandom, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Art, College, F/F, art classes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 02:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2253324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeuroticSoulGobbler/pseuds/NeuroticSoulGobbler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean and Marco genderbent story. How the two slowly come together through a shared passion for art while attending college.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cool Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello enthusiastic freckle girl.

_I wish that I could be like the cool kids_  
 _'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in_  
 _I wish that I could be like the cool kids_  
 _Like the cool kids_

  


Whoever invented headphones was a fucking genius. 

It’s saved my life from so many things. They block out stupid gossip that I don’t give a fuck over, chase away any unwanted conversations, and provide an escape from the world in general. 

My name is Jean. Yes I guess you can say like Jean from the X-men. I think my mom was so out of it or my dad just really wanted a boy. In French it’s “John”, but luckily not too many know of my descent hence the mispronunciation. It doesn't bother me though either way is fine with me cause names don’t mean shit. They could call me “Bob” for all I care. 

At times I do wonder, what it would have been like if mom had gave me a girly name like Ana Sophia or Stephanie. God forbid Ashley or Heather. If she had gave me those names I’d have to go to town hall and legally change it as soon as I could. Briefly I wonder want I WOULD call myself. It would have to be something cool and kick-ass. Maybe something like Mufasa? Can’t get anymore bad-ass than that. 

The bus stops making several of the passengers sway from side to side. 

It’s my stop.

I don’t bother taking off my headphones as I stand up making my way to the closest exit along with the other college students. We look like fucking zombies piling out at such a slow pace. I swear I can hear some lightly groaning. Others acting like vampires holding up their forearms hissing and cursing at the bright sun. As for me I don’t waste a second walking to the student café. I am in deep need for caffeine and something sugary to inject into my veins. 

There’s a few others patiently waiting outside the doors. Looks like it hasn't opened yet meaning the cafeteria cashier must be either dead or drunk OR in some cases, dead drunk. Not missing a beat I take a seat at the stone bench and whip out my sketchbook. Nothing beats people watching, it gives me a good opportunity to work on my skills. Who knows, maybe inspiration will strike and I can use it towards one of my personal projects. 

There's a small group of guys not to far from where I'm sitting and I can feel one of them examining me. Out of the corner of my eye I can see him nods towards my general direction, as if I couldn't notice, he elbows one of the men sitting down before snickering. His friend looks confused saying something back to the other earning himself a cheeky grin and a laugh. A bunch of douche bags no doubt, as if high school wasn't bad enough. I’m done with those kind of people. All the parties, all the rumors, and poor taste in music. This is college, a new start. Not a chance to relive high school all over. 

Finally! The doors open, but no one dares to set foot inside until of the cafeteria worker steps aside. She’s a shorter older woman with a very frail frame. However don’t let it fool you. She’s the devil incarnate if you should leave her cafeteria a mess. I once heard she got a man to clean the entire floor with his tongue while on his hands and knees. I don’t know what could’ve motivated him or what she said to him, but no doubt it had to be some pretty deep shit blackmail or a sick threat that could’ve made the Devil her bitch. 

She’s my fucking role model. 

I grab a hot cup of Joe and a strawberry Danish. That bastard from earlier separates from his friends and walks right up to me making sure there's a fair distance between us. The look he's giving me is one I've seen several times. The sensible part of me, which is really small, tells me to just let it go and ignore him. There’s no point in giving the son-of-a-bitch my time of day when more than likely he’s going to end up fucking my day up. I haven’t even gone to my first class yet! My other senses tell me I need to knock this motherfucker down a notch before he gets too cocky for his own good. 

“Hey, hey you.” He has his hands in his pockets and looking me over with a sneer on his face. “What the hell are you? Some kind of dyke?” 

Oh no…he did not…

"No, how about you?” He looks surprised that I responded. Just because I have earphones on doesn't mean I have them on full blast and you can say shit at me. 

“So you are one!” Didn't you hear me? Fucking dumbass. He grins supposedly tilting his head which I’m guessing is supposed to be intimidated. It just makes him look stupid and twice as ugly. 

“Fuck you.” I flip him off before grabbing my cash and change to pay for my meal. The cashier doesn't say anything as she rings me out.

“Oh, I bet you’d like that bitch.” He cackles as I turn to leave. I don’t have time for this shit. I have a life. I have a purpose unlike him who's just a waste of space. He’s trying rile me up like so many others. In high school I use to flip my shit and would end up getting into a lot of fights. There wasn't a boy who’s nose who hadn't met my fist. 

I suppose I drew their unwanted attention. My hair has always been cut in a boyish manner since I was little. My frame was tall and lanky which not too many men would consider attractive. My face rather oval like and my eyes are still a little shrewd again not a sought out feature. To top it all off puberty came rather late and my chest stayed flat as a surfboard. I had been mistaken as a boy quite a few times not only for my looks, but for my “boyish” nature. (Or so they said) Girls tended to outside me from things they thought I would never be interested in or could never understand.

It took awhile, but I can to terms with myself, it doesn't bother me anymore. Looking back on it I'm glad I was outcasted. They were always causing drama amongst themselves or crowding the bathrooms trying to perfect their clown faces while stinking up the stalls with their perfumes or latest body mist. Usually I’d hold off using the bathroom when it was like this, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. I’d gag on my way out and somehow have glitter on my backpack which drove me nuts trying to get out. 

That was back then…God, things got so much better.

Now they weren't perfect, but you could ignore people and it was perfectly acceptable. You could go to classes with people and not have to know their whole life story. The campus was so big it was impossible to. You could be a shadow or mindless drone and no one would judge you for it. You didn't get picked on for studying or judged for wearing the same outfit for a few days. You now had the ultimate excuse: “She’s/He’s a college student.”

It was like uttering that sentence gave you forgiveness and understanding. You didn't have to explain yourself. Didn't have to explain those ugly raccoon eyes or devouring free food offered at free events or even coming up with creative ways to avoid paying for anything. It was a relatable situation and even those who haven’t been through it can imagine the difficulty and stress which college tends to induce. That weird, “Not a child anymore, but not an adult” feeling you can get. Yeah…it can send you in for a loop. 

Good thing I had an early start of that in high school. My parents both worked jobs that would require them to travel overseas. At certain times their schedules would overlap resulting in me taking care of the apartment and a small bonus for the maid. They would leave me money for rent and groceries, but that was it. I had to learn how to budget early how to scrap by otherwise I’d have to explain why I lost the apartment while they were gone.

My parents…they were pretty decent. Not the most doting, but not fucked up like most people expect them to be. I swear they rarely show any emotion towards each other. They’re pretty calm with my decision like getting my hair bleached, getting a ton of piercings, and even getting a tattoo. I guess I’m really lucky that they’re supportive in my passion for art too. My mom will surprise me with an art history book now and then. My dad will keep me updated on local art stuff he hears about. My friend Connie tells me often I should be the happiest kid on the planet getting to do whatever the hell I want. 

I know I should be…

But then why aren't I? 

People often say that religion fills that void in your heart. That people who are often depressed are Godless people who let media and science rule their lives. Perhaps they’re right, but they could also be wrong. What good is religion if you’re not living your life like how whatever God intended you too? How can you NOT let life get you down once in a while? Isn't that part of being human? And if you are denying yourself that part of humanity then aren't you defying or rejecting humanity itself?

It’s WAY too early to be thinking too deeply on the subject. Right now, all I want is to savor my poor excuse for a breakfast and lose myself in my music. The world can kiss my ass and will have to wait until I’m done.

There’s a stone table and bench not too far from where I am. Luckily it’s close to one of the art studios that I need to go into. There’s a small stairway that goes underneath the upper half of the building. It’s a quiet area and there’s a few vending machines. Maybe I can snag a soda to take inside. Normally food isn’t allowed inside the studio, but Professor Hanji was a pretty chill. 

He was all into experimental art. Always encouraging towards his students and telling us to embrace what art truly is. If you could stand his long winded rants then you could pretty much survive anything. There are two reasons why anyone would want to join his classes. One being that you want an easy A because it’s a well-known fact that Professor Hanji will always give you one no matter what in attempts not to stifle his student’s creativity. The other reason was that all materials were provided. Normally art students are required to buy their own materials to work with to take the class. Unless you were taking ceramics where the school’s budget supplies the clay. Professor Hanji doesn’t hold back either. Oh no. He makes sure to buy in bulk and buy the good stuff for his students. It makes me wonder briefly how famous is the professor, but then I stop caring as soon as he tells us to help ourselves. 

Don’t mind if I do.

A squirrel attempts to approach me sitting up on its hind legs with its tail lashing out side to side. I humor myself breaking off bits throwing it towards its general area. Once again another potential model or my doodling pleasure. 

I am a serious doodling addict. 

I just can’t help myself. If doodling was a nervous tick then perhaps it was mine. It’s helped me keep my cool in the worse kinds of situations. It also helped me kick my nasty cigarette habit. Instead of a cig between my fingers it was the smooth texture of a newly sharpen 2b drawing pencil. Whenever I went into a store I’d find myself drifting towards its art section and see what kind of sketchbooks they had. My favorites were spiral bound 5x7 size. They’re bigger than those mini ones which gave me space to draw full figures if I wanted to yet still easy to take with me where ever I went. 

The studio’s door hinge creaks and can be heard all the way across campus. Predictable as clockwork Professor Hanji takes a deep inhale of the morning air and exhales loudly with a triumphant laugh. 

“Today is a good day to experiment!!” He shouts as students draw closer to the door. 

It’s time for the earbuds to come out. With a sigh I stand putting my unfinished Danish in my mouth and juggle between putting on my messenger bag and holding my cold-hot cup of Joe. Somehow I manage up the small flight of stairs and hurry up the large set that lead to the room right above. 

“I hope you brought enough to share.” Professor Hanji smiles widely holding the door open for me.

“OOoo ish.” A few students who heard my response snicker while others seem bored with their own personal lives. Quickly glancing around I can spy an empty seat at one of the makeshift art tables.

“All right! As you know, today will be a studio day!” Professor Hanji excited informs us. “Remember you’ll all be critiquing each of your works as a class and I really look forward to it.”

Studio day a.k.a. free day to ditch and go home. I wish I could’ve remembered because this was my ONLY class for the day. I could’ve saved the bus ride money and gotten something nice to eat. Something fried and greasy to love by the company of a good TV show. I really need to start saving up for a car.

Oh well…at least the paint is free. 

While others are leaving the class, I take the opportunity to work up front for once close to the exit. Personally I love the smell of oil paint, I’m not a fan of the fumes though unlike the potheads in the class. As I’m setting up someone decides to turn on the radio onto some God forsaking station that’s know for playing nothing by crap all day. 

In the earbuds go again. 

Personally the hardest part for any kind of art project isn’t so much the technical part, but the creative process. Putting that first stroke of paint to the canvas is always the hardest and most nerve wrecking. I know some like to sketch on their canvas first and oddly enough that sounds more like my kind of method…but there’s something sacred to me about painting. To predetermine the painting before it’s done wasn’t my style. 

It was more of a conversation for me. I have a general idea of what I want to say, but then it can change completely by the end of it or I may not even get out the questions I originally intended to ask. What does it want to be? I don’t know, but I can guess and try to help it. Sometimes I’ll get an ugly blob of mess and others I’ll end up painting the fucking sixteenth chapel. I’m slowly gaining a very small group of followers in the art community. Not famous enough to remember my name, but just enough that if I did something someone could recognize it as made by my hands. 

Some like to talk to others as they paint. For myself I’ve always like to turn my music on high and just ignore others as I enter into that private world of mine. When I’m there, I’m not thinking. It’s wonderful. I’m not stressed over silly matters like the future or life. I’m merely putting paint to canvas and enjoying the hell out of it. The more I get into my painting the longer I stay. One by one the others set their canvases aside and leave the room heading to their next class. It’s just me there and oh how I love it. I would love to own my own studio flat someday. Just stay there all day painting whatever the hell I want. Before I can start fantasizing about that there’s a burning feeling on my neck…

I’m not alone as I thought…

“Wow, that’s amazing!” I nearly jump out of my seat as I felt them talk not too far from my ear. “How long have you been working on it?” My first instinct is to elbow whoever it is in the face then proceed to beat the living shit out of them…but when I turn I’m nearly face to face with the biggest pair of puppy eyes I have ever met. I’m am literally speechless. 

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t notice.” The girl has hair even shorter than me. One side is bobby pinned by two mini swords while the other looks like it has some kind of product in it. Regardless there are a few locks here and there which stick out in a free spirited kind of way. Her skin looks slightly sunburned and there are freckles on every bit of skin she’s showing. Up close I can see all the freckles across the bridge of her round nose and on her apple like cheeks. She's slightly bent over so she could talk to me and my eyes drift down for a brief second...this girl...is well endowed! God, I've never felt so self conscious since middle school. Even along the top of her breast are decorated with angel kisses. I've never seen someone with so many freckles!

“I-it’s fine.” Out of politeness I take out of the buds. After staring at her so intently I feel like I owe this girl at least some kind of attempted conversation. It wasn't like I was checking her out. Okay, maybe just a little, but girls do that! Right? I'm not a dyke like that guy accused me of earlier. I can appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty like how one appreciates art. “What were you saying?”

“Oh yeah.” She smiles widely at me the looks up at my painting again. That smile should be illegal. So damn cute like a little kid let lose in a candy store. Already I can tell she must have a lot of friends. Maybe even considered one of the cool kids on campus. She'll probably forget this meeting soon after it's done. “How long did it take you ?”

“Um, well, I guess, like maybe a week I think.” I honestly don’t remember I’ve never been good with time especially when it concerned me. Professor Hanji didn't seem to ever care and always encouraged me to do things at my own pace. Another reason why I loved his classes. Sometimes I'll work on smaller pieces though to have at least something to show for the critiques. The bigger pieces were more for my own personal collection. I'm paying the tuition with my own money, you can bet I'm going to take every advantage I can. “It’s fucking ugly if you ask me.”

“What?! No, it’s not.” The freckled girl looks appalled that I would ever say that about my own work. I really want to laugh at her attempt of scowling. Shit, this girl! Who the hell are you? Some kind of Disney princess who lost her way to her castle maybe. People are never this genuine or cute. “It’s really interesting. If I were rich I’d buy it most definitely.” 

“Yeah?” I lean back in my chair staring at it. Honestly I do sort of like it, but admitting it makes me feel pompous. As she straightens herself up I realize how tall she is. Damn, this girl could be a super model with her bomb body. Not only did she have a generously blessed bosom, she had long killer legs of a fucking ballerina. Had she always been in my class? The fact that she's not paper thin either makes me even more envious. Visually she's the opposite of myself. I find just by being near her my self esteem is slowly leaving me. 

“Yeah.” She doesn’t move an inch away and continues to examine the large half-finished canvas. “It’s really peaceful looking.”

I hate it…there’s just something that I hate about this painting. Yes, I do love the lighting effects I’ve used on it so far. Yes, I love the palette color choice…what I hated…was that wall I added in it. That had to be the worst mistake I’ve ever done to such a beautiful scenery. Grant it wasn’t an actual place, more of like one I’ve often dreamt about. There was something…unnerving about it, and I hated it. If only I could take out that wall, but then it wouldn't look right without it.

“What are you going to do with it?” The girl whispers beside me like it was some kind of big secret. It's not like we're in a library or something. Then again, what the hell WAS I going to do with it? There's such a long stretch of silence until I start to laugh. Who was this chick?! And why aren’t I pissed off? Normally if anyone man or woman were to try and pull this crap on me I’d have told them to fuck off and send them out the door or into the dean’s office. 

“Hm, I don’t know.” Tilting my head I start trying to think of where to put the monster and how to hide so my parents don’t find it and aren’t burden of throwing it away. “Maybe use it as target practice?”

“Please tell me you’re kidding.” All color drains from her face. Her expression resembles a child's being told Santa is a big scam to manipulate children into behaving good. I can't hide my smirk. See I'm the kind of person who would tell that kid the ugly truth and relish in watching their world come tumbling down. She gets even more distressed looking back at the painting and then back at me again. Damn, how can she make me feel so bad when I don’t even know her.

“I’m not done with it yet. I probably won’t even get it done for the evaluation." I rub the back of my neck staring down the canvas.

Maybe it was better this way. I don't want to explain what drew me to draw this piece. I find it and similar piece coming through in my art. I just hate it. Maybe I'm going through some kind of depression and not really noticing it. I glance over at the tall ballerina who's no longer staring at the canvas. Her eyes are set on me as if trying to read me like a book. Sorry, but you've gotta get pass this cover first. For a brief instant her eyes take a look that's just too sad for even me to handle. Guilt. That's what it triggers inside of me. How on earth could she make ME feel guilt? Goddamn girl, WHO ARE YOU?! Whoever she was, I really wanted to do something for her. Who knows, maybe she’s a dedicated follower? And I could really use the money. 

“Tell you what, if you really do love it why don’t you buy it from me? I'm going to throw it out anyway so I might as well get a few free meals from it." If she were anymore dog like I would have sworn I saw a tail instantly pop on along with a pair of dog ears. This was getting to be too much. She's starting to make my teeth ache with all her sugary adorableness. She's such a gentle giant.

“Really??! Thank you! I don't like to toot my own horn, but people tell me I'm a pretty good cook." Wait...what? “I look forward to seeing it and you again.” The mysterious freckle face woman disappears almost as quickly as she arrived and all the warmth she brought into the room is taken with her.

I'm left alone in the room wondering what exactly she meant by that. I did mention wanting a few free meals, but what I meant was money for those meals...not actual meals...Crap! I cover my eyes leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees. My paintbrush held limply between my fingers while the corners of my mouth twitch with the beginning of a smile. Who the hell was this girl? And she can cook?! Is she for real? She said see you soon, so she must know my schedule to some extent where I know completely nothing about her. I didn't even get her name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. This is my first fanfic I've written. Just always been so nervous. Small dedication to one of my professors who passed away not too soon after I graduated. He was always encouraging me to do what I wanted and not to limit myself. One of the best lessons I've ever learned.
> 
> This started out with a [Silly Sketch Here](http://neuroticsoulgobbler.tumblr.com/post/96560361118/ive-always-wondered-why-when-people-do-gender#notes)
> 
> It made me want to write something to go along with it. I may try redrawing and continue drawing scenes to go with it in the future. :) 
> 
> Also here's the a link to [Cool Kids by Echosmith](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXTlczyWJ-Y)


	2. All About That Bass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendships that are awkward at the beginning are the ones you tend to cherish the most at the end of a lifetime.

Yeah my mama she told me don't worry about your size  
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night."  
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll  
So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along

  


_Quietly the sun rose pass the mountains and up into the sky to share its glorious light. A breeze swept by racing again the tall blades of grass and other crop fields. The air was unbelievably clean and the temperature almost perfect seventy degrees Fahrenheit. The landscape was a complete reflection of the painting with the exception of a few geese flying in the sky. Slowly there was a soft flow of pointless chatter. There was laughter of children and adults as they went amongst their boring daily lives not too far off into the distance._

_As she turned to see the faces of the townspeople something flashed like lightning behind her followed by a chill best described as death. The chatter halted then slowly turned into panicked cries and screams. The whole scenery grew dark and the land burst into flames. No matter how hard she struggled to turn faster her whole body fought against her. A billow of white ash came in like a tidal wave clouding her vision. The air became thick like blood and she could feel it choking the life out of her._

_Then a shadow…something stood perfectly still in the distance…No…not something…someone… Hunched over itself with its jaws hanging open was—she didn’t know what it was, but it was massive. With an inhuman howl it fell over rushing towards her at full speed. Her whole body seized, but finally she was able to scream._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 **WHAM!!**

“GODDAMNIT!!” 

I gasped holding my knee. It wasn’t just my knee, but my whole body left tingling from the sheer fear of whatever it was that I dreamed about. The beginning is always so clear, but further into dream it starts getting fuzzy. 

Tears start to prick the corners of my eyes. After rubbing my knee a little longer I manage to glance over my shoulder at my clock. It blinks furiously letting me know I have an hour before I have to get ready to get to my first class. Maybe I’ll try attempt getting some breakfast.  
I know at this point trying to go back to sleep would be pointless not to mention unproductive. Maybe I can just go on the net and check for updates on crap. But first, it’s a quick stop to the bathroom. 

It takes three attempts to get off of my comfy mattress, two of which I made it halfway only to fall back onto it. Would you believe I use to be a sort of a jock? Yep, WAY back when now look at the bum I’ve become. My head just feels so heavy like someone replaced it with a bowling ball. It feels very similar to a hangover except I didn’t get the enjoyment of being drunk before it. Sucks big time. 

With classic zombie like speed I shuffle my feet with a hand along the hallway walls to prevent myself from falling forward and eating the carpet. The apartment wasn’t too dark, but I really didn’t trust my knees to function right now. I can already feel the bruise that’s going to be there. 

The bathroom is neat and tidy like it usually is and I waste no time getting ready. As I’m brushing my teeth I glance into the mirror above the sink. Urgh, I need to get my hair cut soon again. It’s starting to grow long in only certain parts again and trying to morph itself into some kind of ugly cousin of an afro. 

My eyes are a bit puffy and I’m starting to see my raccoon eyes coming back. Personally I don’t care, more people tend to leave me alone when I look like shit. It’s my parents I don’t want to worry though especially my dad who was convinced I had some kind of cancer for like a month. He told me it was a reasonable assumption considering the amount of coffee I consumed. Ever since he saw that warning prop at Starbucks he became more concern for my physical health. I appreciate the thought; I just wish he didn’t sound like he was nagging me. Maybe if I had someone take the time to teach me how to use make-up then I might be interested in trying. Unfortunately no one’s been brave enough to take up the challenge. 

Mom on the other hand really didn’t care. I could be dying and all she’d care about was if I was passing my classes or not. I don’t need to always be on the principal’s list, but I better not have to repeat any courses and get that degree. She herself was a bit of a rebel in her younger days. (Coughhypocritecough) The only bummer about that is that she knows all the tricks and calls me out on a lot of shit. So it’s hard to get anything pass her, but on the rare occasions she can understand. She earned her two year degree and became a flight attendant. She always dreamed of traveling to around the world and that was how she met my dad who happened to be the pilot. Eventually the two shacked up and had me. Mile high club baby.

I slap my face a bit to get at least some kind of proof that I’m a living corpse instead of a dead one, and head to the kitchen area to see what I can find. The maid we have should be coming in soon. Maybe I can ask her to make me something. I glance at Mom’s and Dad’s room and the bed is neatly made with no sign of them. Guess they’re both working again meaning they won’t be back until really late at night. 

When I get to the kitchen…I can’t remember why I’m there…

Breakfast!! Ah, yes…

I don’t really want Breakfast anymore…

I sigh and walk back to my room. I think I’ll head down to the college to try and finish that painting. That’s probably why I had that weird dream. It’s just stress over not being able to finish that painting I bet. But what was that thing waiting in the ash cloud? My headache starts to really sting like someone is pushing an ice pick through my temple. Briefly I re-enter the bathroom grabbing three ibuprofens. Maybe I’m better off forgetting what it was for now. 

At some point I start going over in my head what I need to do and what I want today. It’s one of exercises Mom got me into the habit of doing to try to help me not be a bum. I use to write it down, but then I kept forgetting them anyway. It’s just easier for me to make a mental list. All right so first thing on my list would be somehow getting through my art history class without falling asleep. Then it would be to finish my painting if I can. I should really try and start that communication paper I have, keep word is try. 

There’s a good amount of time left if I don’t get around to it, but if I try to do it at home more than likely I’ll keep pushing it off until last second. It’s better if I go to the library after my class then. If I’m lucky maybe I’ll catch the blond little nerd. I’m always forgetting her name, but she usually hangs around that Aaron bitch and her hot brother Mikasa. 

Mmm, Mikasa.

Normally I don’t think of people in a sexual way, but I’d make an exception for sexy Asian hunk Mikasa. It should be illegal to have a brother that hot. He rarely talks, but when he does it sends the most delightful shivers through my body. He’s awesome at sports and was one of the reasons why I competed for so long. Inside I was always hoping to be good enough to show off my skills. I never made it though, there were always someone better than me and I would never make it to the final matches.

I don’t think he even noticed that I dropped sports completely. Last I heard was that Mikasa managed to get a scholarship for fencing. I had thought about trying to join the club, but then I heard Aaron was in it too. Whenever Aaron was involved in anything Mikasa was sure to be there doting on her as if she were royalty. I hate it. That bitch…she has everything that I could possibly want in life and she doesn’t even realize it. A hot brother who actually isn’t related to her, an adorable blond best friend who’s always smiling, a family that attends every event she’s in shouting her name from the stands, and a crowd of friends who seem to always be having fun. Yeah. I never thought myself as the jealous type, but when it comes to her I am insanely so. Saddest part is, we used to be good friends. 

The bus ride over is a relatively silent one. Surprise, surprise though. The cafeteria lady happens to be riding it too. I wonder if she always comes this morning. Even bigger surprise is the taller blond woman dressed in a trench coat sitting next to her making light conversation. When I say light I mean she’s mostly talking in a soft tone while the other lady just nods every now and then or frowns. I really want to get a closer look at her just because. It feels like everyone has a blond friend this year. Even gay Ymir managed to snag a petite blond boyfriend this year. 

Think his name was Chris. If angels were to be hiding on Earth he’d definitely be one of them while Ymir would be the devil. I don’t know HOW it happened, but it did and the two of them seem like they couldn’t be happier with each other. Ugh, all this love and friendship makes me nauseous. Since when did everyone suddenly get into having relationships? Then again I guess college is the best time to try it. 

Personally for myself, it’s Mikasa or nothing. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The bus comes to a stop and everyone disperses from the vehicle to their own destinations in silence. I lag a little bit on purpose to see the tall blond wave by to the cafeteria lady as she goes into one of the buildings carrying a medium size briefcase. So she must be a professor of one of the departments inside of there.

My own destination comes up and the bike rack is relatively empty. It hints that there’s hardly anyone here yet. Nice. I love it when the studio is empty. As I get closer to the doors I can hear something coming inside. Guess I spoke too soon. Dammit, I never seem to have any good karma. Oh well, I gotta get that painting done now that I have a potential customer interested in the thing. 

“My mama she told me don’t worry about your size!!” Something sang loudly from inside. I have half the mind just to turn around and go the other way. The other half is curious as to who it could possibly be. If I was a cat you can bet I’d be on my last life. Quietly I make my way up the stairs and carefully open the doors to prevent the usual loud screeching noise. Inside there are three people crowding around the ipod player. I get the feeling I should’ve guessed who it was. It’s Connie and her boyfriend Sasha singing along to one of the latest pop songs. At least this one seems to have a good beat, but I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be serious or satirically humorous. But that’s not what catches my eye.

It’s the freckled girl sitting on top of one of the tables laughing and watching the two trying to dance and paint at the same time. Since when were they friends? And how did I not know her if she knew them? I mean Connie tells me absolutely EVERYTHING. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. I know so many details to her boyfriend that you’d thinking I was dating and fucking him every chance I got. Before the thought scars me for life I hear Connie talking rather loudly to my—the freckled girl. 

“You what I mean though, right?” She places her hands on her hips not caring she’s getting paint on her jeans from her brush.

“Yes…but—“

“So will you do it?” Sasha jumps in taking the girl’s hands in his with a glint in his eyes that I’ve only seen him give food. Oh boy, something big must be going on. Oh God, They better not be trying to get her to join in something freaky like a threesome. From the way she’s blushing and tripping over herself I become even more convinced that’s exactly what they’re asking her to do. I have to save her.

“Hey! What are you trying to do to the poor girl, Sas? And in front of your girlfriend nonetheless.” I try to appear like I just casually came in with my messenger bag on my shoulder and my gaze looking down as I set my stuff down taking my seat. On the inside my heart is furiously pounding against my chest I really do feel like it’s going to rip from my ribs like in Aliens. 

“Oh good! You’re here too!” Connie smiles widely pointing her brush dramatically at me.

“Hey, hey! Watch it! Expensive shit here.” I lean away from her holding my arm up. I’m not a messy artist like her. I swear there’s paint stains in almost all her clothing. I can remember the summer we sat in her room in our underwear because it was that hot and she showed me the spot that she was convinced looked like Albert Einstein.

“You can afford new ones.” Connie rolls her eyes then clears her throat before she continues. “On behalf of the art club me and Sasha were hoping you and Marko here could do some modeling for the newbies.”

“Marko?” I look at Connie then pretend to be surprised seeing the freckled girl sitting a little behind her. She looks like I caught her hand in the cookie jar.

“Yeah, Mar—Oh!!” Connie looks behind herself at Marko then back at me then back at her again. “I never introduced you to her, have I?”

“No, you haven’t.” I want so bad to roll my eyes, but I settle for putting my elbow on the table and leaning my chin into my palm trying to look disinterested as possible. I can’t get excited over meeting someone new or else Connie will make a big deal out of it. 

“H-Hi.” I look up and there she is. She must’ve made her way towards me when I wasn’t paying attention. Her hand lightly shakes as she holds it out to me. Her other hand nervously tucking an imaginary lock behind her ear. I wonder if she used to have long hair.

“Marko, like as in that Marco Polo guy?” Connie groans loudly obviously disapproving what I said. I side-glance at her briefly before Marko takes my attention again with her cute expression. Her lips quickly tighten together and she’s lightly biting on them. I’d think something was wrong, but the little twinkle in her eyes tell me she’s laughing on the inside. What’s she laughing at I wonder.

“Dude, do you know how many people say that to her?” 

“Including yourself?” Sasha looks lost looking between Connie and me. 

“All right fine. I guess you have a point.” Connie calms down, but it only lasts for a second. “And it’s Marko with a ‘K’. And also don’t call her Marcie she hates that, but will never correct you because she’s a nice, DECENT person.”

Why the emphasis on DECENT? Come on Connie, we both know you’ve corrupted a pointless amount of innocent souls in less than three worlds. Was she trying to hint she didn’t want me to know Marko? That I’d dirty her innocence in some kind of horrid cruel way? Have some more faith me in. Really.

“Actually we met just yesterday, didn’t we?” I give Connie a cocky smirk then make it a point to wink at Marko. For some reason she blushes a bit harder. Poor thing must be shyer than I thought. Opps.

“What? When?” Connie places her hands on her hips like a mother scolds her child. Sasha steps in behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders trying to help her keep her calm. Surprisingly he succeeds and they have a brief mental conversation. Damn it, I told them not to do their stupid telepathy behind my back. “Anyway, knowing now that you sorta kinda know each other what do you say?”

“Say to what?” I try my best not to groan. “Not everyone can hear your thoughts like Sasha can, Connie.”

“Imagine if they could.” Sasha says out loud to no one particular before going into his own little world thinking up the possibilities. 

“The art club is having a doodling party as an icebreaker for new members. Me and Sas were hoping you and Marko could come by for a bit and model a little. Of course we’re trying to get others besides you two to join too.” 

“What day is it gonna be?” A doodling party? Sounds like fun. Thank God it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I can also probably say I have a fairly decent body. Not the best mind you, but I sincerely have no problem standing in my undies. It’s pretty much like walking around in your bathing suit or so I figure. Live models were always better to work with than those stupid little faceless mannequin dolls. 

“Like a week from now. We want to do it soon before people start having to focus on papers and stuff.” Connie looks at Marko encouragingly. “It would be a good opportunity for you to meet more people too.”

“We’re not going to be nude are we?” That’s the one thing I won’t do. I’m fine with other people being naked, but myself is a big no-no. Again Marko’s face sets on fire and she quickly turns giving Connie a look I can’t see. 

“Not unless you want to be.” She laughs hard. “Oh Marko, you’re redder than a tomato!!”

“N-n-no n-nudes!!” Poor girl can barely even say the words as she self-consciously crosses her arms tightly over her chest. Can I admit I’m a little disappointed? I’m sure her knockers are very beautiful. Suddenly I can feel a warmth spread on my cheeks. 

“So will you do it?” Sasha tries to contain his excitement. “We’re gonna have some snacks too and drinks.”

“Free food? Hell yeah! Count me in!” I smile widely sitting up a little straighter. Can’t say ‘no’ to that. Marko’s tension from before becomes more relaxed as she nods. 

“Great!! Thanks you so much.” Connie smiles brightly giving Marko a big hug.

“Hey! Watch the paintbrush!” I shout at them. Marko just laughs lightly hugging Connie back. 

“Aww, don’t worry baby. There will always be enough to go around.” Connie releases Marko and spreads her arms while leaning towards me making kissy lips in my direction. 

“Argh!! No!!” I lift my arm up to try and block her, but fail to succeed. Connie almost misses my cheek and comes close to kissing my eyeball. “Dumbass! I said no!” 

Connie and me, well we go back a long time. Our moms were best friends who actually tried to plan having us at the same time. Weird I know, but we were pretty close. There’s only a week between our birthdays. We went to school together and went home together up until college. We thought no one could ever come between us until she met Sasha. Sasha was a volunteer at the hospital Connie was going to for cancer treatment. When I wasn’t there Sasha was and always trying to cheer her up. I am both glad and jealous of her. I always thought we’d be together forever single, but not giving a damn because we had each other’s backs. 

“Muah! You are loved.” Connie taunts me giving me a slobbery kiss on my cheek."Deal with it."

“Fucking gross! Sas! Control your woman!” I use my sweater to roughly wipe my face.

“I don’t know, that was hot.” Sasha mindlessly smiles. Connie laughs and walks over giving him a kiss on his lips as he wraps his arms around her waist. The two just contently cuddle for a bit until Marko awkwardly clears her throat. 

“Well, if that’s it I’m going to head to my next class.” Marko smiles picking up some of her books putting them into her bag. 

“Hey wait up, I’ll go with you.” I don’t want to be here if they should start getting more ‘friendly’ if you know what I mean.

Marko doesn’t say anything and waits for me to get my stuff together. Before we’re out the door we hear Connie remind us that we’ve sold our souls to her and that she WILL hunt us down if we don’t show up. However her threat is short lived due to Sasha wanting to get a quick make out session in before class. Those two are at it more often than rabbits. 

“Oh yes, I almost forgot.” I turn my attention to what Marko seems to be struggling to get out of her purse. It’s a small container wrapped with a pastel ribbon. She smiles holding it out to me. “I hope you like something sweet.” 

“Guurrl, I’m ALL about the sweets.” It smells delicious! Oh God, I think I’m drooling just imagining this in my stomach. I never really got around to remembering to eat breakfast this morning. “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but are you really going to pay in food for that painting?” 

“Huh? Oh no! I do fully intend to pay you for it.” Marko blushes waving her hand in front of herself. “I just, well, you mentioned wanting free meals and I, well, kinda thought it would be, you know, nice to make you something.” 

“You’re a real saint, you know that?” Unable to resist anylonger I open the container and start devouring its content. 

“Oh no. I could never.” Marko smiles watching me then nervously looks away. “So, um, is it good?”

“Fuck me sideways, this shit is the best.” Her freckles are set on fire again. Hm, maybe I should tone down the cursing for her. I mean I AM in the presence of a living saint. But hot damn! I want to cry because this shit is so good. 

“T-thank you.” She smiles back then looks back down as we walk. “I like, um, feeding people.” 

“Well, you’re more than welcomed to feed me every day then.” There’s only a few crumbly bits left in the container. Absentmindedly I swipe them with my fingers and lick them clean. “Have you ever thought of being a cook?”

“I use to, but then—“ Marko stops herself. “It’s not really important right now.”

“That’s too bad. You have a real knack for this.” Man, it’s all gone. Guilty I look at the empty container and handed it back to her. It probably took her a long time to make that and here I am wolfing it down in less than seconds. She doesn’t seem to mind though. In fact she starts smiling so widely that I can no longer see her eyes. 

“You really think so?” She laughs a bit then tucks the container under her arm. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Okay, that’s a weird response, but what else am I supposed to say to a girl I just barely met? “So, um how do you know Connie?”

“I recently transferred here and the teacher asked if Connie could show me around the campus.” Ah, that makes sense now. That’s why I haven’t noticed her before.

“Let me guess, she’s been bothering ever since then?” Once Connie thinks you’re a cool person she doesn’t let you go. That’s just the way she is. Always getting to know someone new every week. But I guess that’s a rare quality in someone. 

“She’s not a bother.” Marko smiles tiredly. 

“Yes she is. Now that she’s together with that meat and potato boyfriend they seem to have an endless amount of energy.” And I’m secretly grateful for that. Nothing broke my heart more than seeing Connie looking so small in that hospital bed with an IV strapped onto her. “But I’m glad you met her. You’ll be making friends in no time. Not that you seemed like you ever needed the help.”

“Really?” Marko tilts her head to the side a little running that invisible lock behind her ear again. Her gaze goes down for a bit then goes back to me.

“Why do you do that?” Damn it! That’s not what I wanted to say, but the small gesture is really starting to bug me. 

“H-huh? Do what?” Her eyes widen a bit and she nervously bite her lip as he hand freezes. 

“Do that.” I mimic the gesture and suddenly she starts blushing. Her whole body freezes and she forgets how to walk for a moment. I force an awkward chuckle to try and ease the weirdness. “I’m just a little curious. Did you use to have long hair?”

“O-oh, ah, y-yes.” She keeps her hands down hanging onto her bag now. “I, um, use to have a really bad social anxiety when I was younger. I guess I developed a bit of a tick.”

“You? What do you have to worry about?” Another point for me. Unconsciously belittling some one’s social disorder. I should really win the blue ribbon in gauging conversations. 

“Ha, I guess you’re right. Everyone’s been so nice to me so far.” Marko laughs nervously, but continues. “I don’t know, I just find it soothing I guess.” 

“Oh.” If I could I’d kick myself right now. Here I was thinking how well we were getting along with one another. She’ll probably not want to see me again. 

“This is my class.” She tells me stopping in front of the door. Is it weird to anyone else how close the biology department is to the art department?

“I guess this is good-bye then.” I stuff my hands in my pockets taking a quick look inside. There are a few other students in there, but that’s not what surprises me. It’s the tall blond from this morning wearing a pair of glasses looking so bored while checking some emails. “Say, what’s your major, princess?”

“Princess?” Marko tilts her head curiously.

“Yeah. What? Never had anyone call you that before?” She’s too cute as she blushes. 

“Ah, no…um, my major?” A sad gleam shows in her eyes. “Well, I'm going to be a pediatrician.”

“Wow, a real smartie. Here I was thinking you were an art major like me.” I click my tongue a bit. “Such a let down.”

“I can barely draw a stick figure.” She tries hard not to laugh then looks back inside the classroom as more people pass us up and go inside. “Connie got me to join the art club. I’m not an artist, but I love seeing others’ art.” 

“Nice.” I really need to get out of this stupid habit of killing conversations. 

“Yeah.” She sighs almost happily. 

We just stand there for a bit just smiling as each other. Oh God…how stupidly awkward can you get?

“If you’re going to stand there the least you can do is step aside for others to get in.” The professor calls out to us not bother to look away from her computer. 

Both of us kind of jump at the sound of her voice. Man, I hope I didn’t embarrass Marko too much. She quickly tells me good-bye and heads into the room while I can only wave bye. As the door closes though I realize how pathetic I must look standing in an empty hall like that. Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to thank everyone who's been reading this. 
> 
> [Some Connie and Sasha Love](http://neuroticsoulgobbler.tumblr.com/post/96950930993/second-chapter-is-up) 
> 
> [All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor]()
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Not much I can say, but feel free to ask any questions or give some feedback.


	3. Bring Me The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just can't wait for today to end and tomorrow to begin.

  
_Swear if i don't know if the days_  
 _Are as slow as they seem_  
 _Wondering when you'll be_  
 _With me again_

  


Professor Ral’s seminars have always been as helpful as they were informative, but still a good balance as to not overwhelm the students. There weren’t any surprise quizzes or assignments or even group projects. What you saw on the syllabus was what you got. He rarely used the actual textbook and always provided slides to go over while giving his lecture. If you could take good notes you didn’t even need to purchase the books. On the downside if you missed a class at all, even for like the first half hour, then you were officially, totally, screwed. If you got just the tiniest bit sleepy you might as well drop the class and call it quits while you’re still ahead.

While jolting down how to tell two different time period styles of Roman and Greek pillars I take a moment to thank my freckled food giving goddess. If I hadn’t ate something beforehand I wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of staying awake right now. Oh dear sweet lord, I’m starting to drool just remembering what that goodness tasted like.

Professor Ral continues talking while standing behind the podium set towards the side of the class. He has a good clean voice that projects well throughout the small classroom unlike most of the professors at this university. We move from architecture for a brief moment to talk about a few figurine sculptures. Some were a combination between Roman structures and sculptures which is pretty interesting. I’m more impressed by how they hell they were able to build such tall structures without the modern machinery. Blows your mind just a bit. 

“Now that’s a penis.” Hitch loudly comments and whistles inappropriately when the slide changes. A few students giggle and laugh like a class of immature children. Professor Ral doesn’t take shit like that an pointedly glares at Hitch. This ought to be good.

“If you cannot handle this kind of subject matter like a respectable human being then you better change your major, Mr. Dreyse. Also I suggest you get a check-up if you find THAT impressive.” Dammmmn, he called him out with such class it’s unbelievable. Too bad it’s wasted on someone who has no idea what class is.

“This shit’s so boring.” Hitch tsks crossing his arms leaning back in the chair like the douche he is while trying to look bored as hell. Undeterred by Hitch’s rachet sense of humor, the professor continues on with the lecture. 

Hitch can be such a pig, but it doesn’t bother me as much as the pride he takes in it. Can’t believe I ever had a crush on the guy. Yes, he had the face of a super model, the hair of a movie actor, and the bod of a sports player, but that didn’t make up enough for his personality. Way back when like before Mikasa I thought Hitch was hot in a self-confident kind of way, he took shit from no one and that was a quality I really admired and still do today. Somewhere, I can’t exactly remember how, but we decided to go out for a date at a local diner nearby. Before we had a chance to meet up I found him already making out with the waitress. I flipped my shit and stormed out. I doubt they even noticed. 

“Psst, Jean.” Hitch turned around leaning back and putting his elbow son my desk. He doesn’t take his eyes off the slide show for a second. Ha, he acts like he’s stupid, but he knows better than to slack off in Professor Ral’s class. “I heard you’re gonna be modeling for the art club.”  
What. The. Hell. I’m going to maim Connie.

“Says who?” I stabbed at his elbow with my pencil. Sick satisfaction fills me seeing him flinch away sorely rubbing it. Like a samurai who sharpens his sword for battle, I always make sure to have my writing utensils are never blunt and dull.

“I heard Connie talking to meat and potatoes.” As Professor Ral draws a quick sketch on the whiteboard to better explain the concept of Controposta Hitch turns his head to smirk at me. “Are you gonna be nude? Bitty tits and all? I’ll have to bring my camera.”

My face briefly flares up and I stab him in the back of his neck. His hand immediately flies up to cover the area and he curses loud enough that the professor pauses before continuing. His gaze on me tells me that he notices, but doesn’t really care too much when it comes to Hitch. Still I dare not interrupt his lecture again just in case. Hitch groans checking to see if I drew blood then pouts at me.

“No and you make me sick.” I sigh trying to not laugh at his face. I wish he wasn’t sitting by me right now. He has the habit of talking to anyone who sits within close proximity of him. “Shut the hell up and pay some fucking attention.”

“Not all of us are nerds.” Hitch grumbles and sticks out his tongue. Yeah, that’s really attractive if you’re into man-children. He’s quiet for a solid three minutes which is a record for him before he’s leaning forward and picking on poor Meryl. That poor girl caves into to pressure like a fat woman on a diet giving in to a love for cake. 

By some cruel twist of fate she often falls victim to most of Hitch’s mischief. 

If it weren’t for myself you can bet the two of them would have spent far more nights in a jail cell than what they already have. Meryl probably has my number on speed dial on her phone. Remember when I mentioned douchebags that couldn’t let high school go? Yeah, Hitch is sadly one of the nicer ones. The only good thing I can say about Hitch is his genuine love of woman of all sizes. Fat, skinny, short, tall, it didn’t matter to him. ‘As long they have tits.’ End quote. 

“We can’t do that. That’s illegal!” Ah, Meryl’s famous lines right before somehow getting pulled in deeper into one of Hitch’s crazy misadventures. 

“Hey.” I stab his back this time making him literally jump in his seat. He doesn’t turn around though and ignores me as he keeps seducing Meryl with his sweet words and empty promises. Sound like someone you know? “Hey, tiny dick.”

“What?” He’s irritated. Guess what Professor Ral hinted out had some ring of truth to it. I bit my lip for a second then put my poker face back on. He growls and swipes my pencil from me poking me back with it. “That hurts you know.”

“What? My pencil or the nickname?” I don’t give him a chance to verify which. “You know, Meryl’s dad is a cop right?”

Hitch physically stiffens. I guess he didn’t know. Oh well. I take the opportunity to take my pencil back and smirk to myself. He won’t be getting Meryl in trouble any time soon. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Kirchstein, would you please stay a moment after class?” Professor Ral calls out to me as everyone rushes out of the classroom to their next class. Oh man, are my grades horrible already?! Hitch and Meryl don’t wait up for me, but do give me a nod as they pass by. They’re probably thinking the same thing as me and know my mom will kill me. Some friends they are. I expect better eulogies from them at my funeral. 

Professor Ral quickly packs his belongings and carries his briefcase up the stairs to the top where I’m standing patiently. He smiles and motions me to follow him to his office which is somewhere in the middle of all the classrooms. If it were any other professor I’d think they were trying to get me lost on purpose to possibly kill me and sell my organs on the black market. But he hasn’t done anything to me yet to make me question his character or integrity…anything YET that is. 

“This will be quick, I promise.” Uh-oh, I’m starting to question. “You probably have another class to attend to.”

Yeah, I am, but in no hurry. Believe me. Writing a paper about different structures for letters and memos are not my ideas of fun nor as stimulating as Professor Langnar tries to make it sound. 

“Is this about the last assignment?” In other words, am I failing? Oh please God, don’t tell me I’m failing. 

“Yes and No.” Professor Ral reaches his poor excuse for an office and hurries inside pulling something out from one of his desk drawers. “Professor Zoe had asked me to look for something which I think you may be interested in.”

Professor Ral hands me a brochure for an upcoming festival. The theme of it simple read, ‘The Arts: Humanity’s Form of Self Expression’ on the cover were ballerina dancers, a painter making finishing touches on his artwork, an orchestra tentively watching their constructor, renaissance actors and basically any form of art coexisting in this small space of the universe. 

“While I was grading the last assignment I gave Professor Zoe happened to read your entry and was impressed. He really does adore your specific art style and process. He wanted to know if you’d be interested being his partner for this kind of event.” 

“Seriously?” That’s so fucking amazing!!! This could definitely be the catalyst which I desperately need to put my art out there on a more professional level.

Inside I’m dancing like a madman who just had the answer to his prayers fall out of the sky and into his lap. But I can’t show TOO much interest. Oh no, I have to keep my cool and make demands so not to come off too desperate. I would literally lick Professor Hanji’s shoes at this point if he asked me to just to be next to him as he paints. Luckily I’ve got this mastered down to an ART. Stay cool Jean, stay cool. We’ve got this.

“Yes and I hope you sincerely consider it.” Professor Ral smiles before taking his seat behind his desk. There’s a small stack of papers that almost fall over the edge. The both of us spring into action to keep them from splattering in every direction possible. “Oooo, thank you.”

“That was close.” Ral nods and leans back tiredly in his padded swivel chair. 

“Yes it was.” Ral glances at the clock on the wall right behind me then gives me an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, but I have another student who needs to talk with me on a personal level coming in soon.”

“Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Even telling me to beat it, he does such politeness. If he were a serial killer I bet he’d be like Hannibal Lecter.

I start to stuff my hands in my pockets, but then quickly, well, awkwardly hold my hand out to him. He looks confused for a second, but then catches on. Shaking hands that’s like a respectable adult thing to do after a serious conversation, right? He firmly shakes my hand wishing me the best of luck before I start towards my communication class. I really hate that the library sits on top of a hill and then I have to take an elevator to the bottom floor. On some occasions the lower floor entrances are open, but it’s pretty rare unless you can sneak in whenever something is delivered.

It’s a bit of a jog upstairs and I am SO glad this isn’t my first class in the morning. I can only imagine how many people must’ve injured themselves climbing the tall staircases half asleep and in a hurry. When the library doors open I can see the library helpers behind the front desk. They scurry from side to side between checkouts and checking in busily sorting out the large pile of returns. My eyes settle on a particular blond working today. Luckily, I have a few minutes to spare. 

In this setting, it’s probably going to be the ONLY time when she’s not with those other two. I mean, what are the chances of Aaron and Mikasa reading? The image of them quietly sitting behind two large textbooks is rather laughable. As I approach the counter she doesn’t even notice me. Her brow is slightly furrowed as she double checks something that I’m guessing is really important. She then scribbles something down, notes I’m guessing, while quietly murmuring to herself. Something about needing to update some editions of a textbook later which the library can sometimes supply to students. 

She turns said book to look at the decimal code running a small delicate finger down its spine. The way she does that…it’s a little intriguing to me for some reason. She glances it over then returns to scribble some more chicken scratch on her piece of paper. I bet she’d make a good doctor, not only because she has mastered the handwriting, but because the girl has always been at the top of her all her classes since preschool. I can only recall a few conversations we had that didn’t involve schoolwork, Aaron, or Mikasa. Apparently Aaron’s parents had been friends with hers. In a way her situation with Aaron was very similar to the one between me and Connie’s moms. 

“Oh! I’m sorry, can I help you?” Finally the shortie looks up at me with a blush very obvious on her cheeks. Ha, cute…but not a cute as Marko’s. I’d give anything to see these two have a conversation someday. Maybe on the topic of something dirty. Ha!! That’s would be HILARIOUS, but I don’t even think that’s possible. Hell would freeze over first. They seem like the kind of girls who’d talk about their cats all day and have tea parties with tiny little pies. Mmm, pies. Dammit! Now I’m hungry again! 

“Yeah, I never got your name.” I do my best to smile pleasantly and to not come off as a creeper. God, that sounds like a pick up line! Please don’t take it like one! 

“Your Aaron’s friend, right? Do you remember me by any chance? We went to school together.”

“Oh yes! I remember you very well.” The blond smiles nicely at me, while her grip lessens on her books. “Jean, wasn’t it?”

Wow, she says it with the intended accent and all. That’s the first for me.

“Yeah, but you can call me Jean like everyone else. I don’t mind.” I can’t get over the fact she said it right! It makes me stupidly happy for a second even though I’ve taught myself not to care. She continues to smile walking away to briefly put away the book that was in her arms. She picks up another and brings it back over to where I was talking to her. 

“I’m Armen. It’s nice to finally officially meet you. Are you looking for Aaron?” And this conversation had such a good start. 

“Hell no. I’d never go looking for that bitch if I can help it.” Aaaaaand end nice pleasant atmosphere.

Armen gives me one of the strangest chilling looks I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Her jaw tenses and her whole body goes ridged. The freakiest part is that all this happened in the matter of seconds. I’m not ever really sure I really saw what I saw! She relaxes herself again and strains a more forced smile on her lips while giving a small nervous chuckle. I’m highly questioning if I stepped into some kind of twilight zone. 

“I know Aaron can be impulsive and rambunctious at times, but I believe she’s matured since the last time the two of you spoke to each other.” 

What’s up with all these polite people telling me off in the nicest way? It’s starting to get on my nerves. It’s much easier when someone just gets all into my face. Then people can say they had it coming right before I slugged them across their face and call out all their bullshit. Whatever happened to the simple days?

“Ah, yeah, I bet…Listen Armen, I’m sorry I said that. I really don’t mean to do that, but it’s like a natural reflex. I bet if you were to ever bring up my name to her she’d have the same reaction.” Armen blinks owlishly and it helps to brighten the mood a little. She seems to think it over before giving a light nod in agreement. Great, she’s always been the reasonable on in that trio. 

“But you know, you could try and make amends if you two truly wanted to.” She’s so hopeful, I’m not gonna say anything right now. Gotta sweeten it over just a bit before I ask her what I REALLY wanted to ask her.

“Maybe someday.” I put my hands in my pockets and sway back a little on my heels before going for it. “That’s not really what I wanted to ask you anyway. I was hoping, well, I know we hardly know each other, but I know you’re super smart and one of the nicest people I know.”

I desperately need to increase my vocabulary. My eyes look down at the counter as I speak. This was a bad idea after all. Still you won’t know until you try right? I wouldn’t hold it against her. I mean I just insulted her best friend substitute twin sister! I double she’ll even agree. She’ll give me that look again and politely tell me not a chance in hell before running away to take care of her precious books again. As far back as I can remember, she’s always preferred books over people. BUT GODDAMN!! I need help or my mom will bring hell on my life like sign of the Apocalypse style. 

“Do you think, you can like help me with a paper I’m trying to write? It’s for my communication class and I’m struggling like hell with it.” I’m such a coward. I can’t even look her in the faces as I make my confession. 

“What time does your class end?” Her tone is so soft and response so unexpected. My eyes snap open and she smiles like she’s trying hard not to laugh. “I’m tutoring someone who also has a communication paper due. You’re more than welcomed to join us.”

“Wha-oh-wow-really?” A chorus of hallelujahs sounded behind me as the burden was lifted. I’m not going to die after all!! Armen’s smile grows a little more nervous as she nods. “Ah, two! My classes ends at two today.”

“All right, we’ll be here until three. Do you think an hour would be enough to help you with your paper?” She frowns slightly looking genuinely concern. Oh my God, she’s such an angel I could kiss her right now!

“Are you kidding me? It’s more than enough time. Thanks.” I adjust my backpack strap and give her a big smile before leaving. “Next time I see you, we should totally do something, yeah? It would be nice to catch up.”

“I’d like that.” Armen looks positively delighted by that and waves bye to me as I head off to class. Today is a good day I’ve decided. Better enjoy it to its fullest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After 45 minutes of the most boring class EVER I made my way to the area that Armen told me about. The ride in the elevator seemed to go by a lot faster than usual until it came to a small halt on the second floor. Don’t you hate it when you’re the only person in the elevator and then it stops to let someone else on? The suspense always kills me because you never know WHO it will be. Will it be the most disgusting kind of person you can think of with horrifying BO or will it be an incredibly hot person who suddenly takes interest in who you are and by some kind of miracle you’re lucky enough to have this person in your life forever? Yeah, I’m definitely hoping for scenario two where my incredibly hot stranger would be none other than Mikasa Ackermen. 

The elevator’s ‘bing’ shakes me out of my delusions and I’m brought back to reality. Dammit, curse you reality! The doors reveal a girl who had her arms full of very thick looking books. Her head is turned as she finishes talk to someone who was behind her. For a moment she looks really familiar. 

“Marko?” She looked at me finally and alas there’s not a single freckle on her cheeks, but I did know her.

“Oh, hi Jean. Haven’t seen you in a while.” It’s Samantha or Sammy for short. 

We had a few classes together last year, but didn’t really know KNOW each other, if you know what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not bad company. It’s just she’s was better company than nothing or better than Aaron’s company. Man, ANYONE was better company than Aaron company. A better word describe me and Sammy would have to ‘.be good ‘aquaintances’.

“Yeah, same. What floor?” Her hair’s a bit shorter since the last time I saw her. Seeing her up close now I can see why I mistaken her for Marko at first glance. There’s a few minor difference here and there, but it’s still understandable. How she’s able to should be impossible seeing how skinny her arms were. The sight itself is a complete defiance to the laws of physics. Marko was a bit fluffier than Sammy, but in a good way.

“Thir—“ Before she can finish her sentence something stops the elevator door from closing and holding it open to keep it from moving. Both Sammy and I jump, she shrieks a bit clutching the books in her arms tightly. It was the girl she was talking with earlier. Before I can bitch at her for popping up like some kind of creature from a B-rated horror movie she does something I’m totally not prepared for. 

Okay, let me tell you first that ANY kind of public display of affection, hetero, homo, trans, ace makes me just a little uneasy and uncomfortable. Some might say it’s because of my personal inexperience with physical contact that I’m like that. My parents hardly even kiss in front of me much less hold hands. I’m sure they do though privately and I feel like that’s how it should be. Between you and your lover like your own little secret. 

The girl leans forward and cups the back of Sammy’s head with one hand before pulling her towards herself crashing them into an almost violent kiss of passion. God, how I wish I could disappear right now. My feeling of uneasiness increases when I can hear the faintest of gasps and a high pitch moan that escapes from, who I thought was completely innocent, Sammy’s lips. She trying so hard not to drop her books and failing. Poor girl. 

I’m pretty sure that I’m going to suddenly internally combust from embarrassment as they continue and I try to do the polite thing and not stare. I pick the farthest corner to look at. I feel like I’ve intruded something by now which makes NO sense because I was here first minding my own business! After the first few minutes the embarrassment dies off and now I’m just pissed off. I’m going to be late to Armen’s study group and here they are making out like I don’t exist!!

“Um, Sammy. I gotta meet someone for a study group on the top floor.” I loudly clear my throat making sure to tell her in a loud clear voice. 

Afterwards though my hand automatically comes up and hides my face. That damn blush is coming back, I can feel it. Sammy’s girlfriend, or so I hope she is because this would be some kind of molestation or rape happening right before my eyes, hears me and steps forward letting the doors close behind her. GODDAMMIT!! I hate her already!! 

The elevator continues on its way, but now seems to be going at an agonizingly slow pace. Dear God, why do you put me in these kind of situations? It’s because I fall asleep in church, isn’t it? 

Sammy’s pushed against the back of the small quarters and finally she drops the books. As they scatter along the floor the other girl wastes no time getting as close as she can. Without the barrier their now chest to chest and getting more wild by the second and there’s not a thing I could do to stop it. Sammy’s legs are shaking and slowly turning in on themselves. At this point and her face a lot redder than when I first saw her. She looks so alike to Marko it’s uncanny.  
Wait, why am I suddenly thinking of her? Especially when Sammy’s getting her throat cleaned by her partner? 

Finally Sammy becomes the aggressive one than the other woman. It’s like something in her just snaps and she reaches out pulling the other girl’s locks from the back of her head. 

“Fuck! Sammy!” She hisses out then moans wantonly grinding their hips together while leaning her head back exposing her throat. Sammy takes advantage of the moment and pulls harder. She leans forward and bites along her throat much like a vampire does. You know, thinking of it that way helps to make the situation less embarrassing. Sammy as a vampire, now that’s really unlikely the other girl is much more believable. 

For the briefest of seconds the girl opens her eyes and holds my stare. I wonder if she read my thoughts just now. Shit!! She really is a vampire!! Something odd washes over me and I’m frozen. I can’t even look away from them. She smirks as if she knows I can’t and there’s some kind of big secret as to why which only she knows. I call that kind of look, the bitch stare. 

The elevator ‘dings’ and the floor which I need is highlighted by the small light behind the number above the doorway. Without so much of a good-bye I am racing down the hallway to get out of there and hurry as if the bats of hell were after me. I can hear the girl laugh before the doors shut again and the other weakly murmuring something. My image of Sammy is completely shattered. Goes to show you never really know a person. I didn’t even THINK for a moment that she could possibly be a lesbian either.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Oh, hi Jean.” Armen looks up at me as I enter into the small room. She’s in there with two other people. One girl with darker hair and one boy with long blond hair. He like he could pass as Armen’s twin if it weren’t for his stone cold expression. “Glad you could make it.”

“Y-yeah.” What happened at the elevator seemed to shake me more than I thought. Sudden flashes of Sammy comes into mind and I shake my head. Quickly I take a seat that’s close to Armen and the other two.“Where are yo—“

“Um! I’m sitting here!” A girlish voice squeaks right behind me.

“Huh?” I look behind me and realize I’m practically sitting in the poor girl’s lap. She’s so quiet I didn’t even notice her presence in the room. “Oh shit! Sorry! My bad!” 

“I-It’s alright.” The blond boy smirks and the girl beside him hold a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. “People tend to do that.”

“Why don’t we introduce ourselves before continuing on?” Armen smiles brightly quickly easing the awkward atmosphere in the room. “As you all know, my name is Armen and the tutor for this study ground. It’s very nice to meet all of you. Please don’t hesitate asking any questions. That’s why I’m here.” 

“Andy.” The blond man simply states looking at everyone. “I don’t like being called Andrew.” No one is brave enough to ask why. 

“My name is Marcela Berwick. I hope to become a physical therapist and minor in music.” The darker haired girl smiles brightly sporting a pixie hair cut that really suits her. She looks over at the girl I almost sat on encouragingly. Poor girl is sweating enough to fill a kiddie pool. 

“M-My name…A-Alberta…” Her eyes quickly glances at all of us then focus on her notes and pencils in front of her. She tightens her grip on her pencil so much I think it’s going to snap in two from sheer for. 

“But.” Andy speaks up for her crossing his arms across his small chest. Man, Andy’s really tiny. If it weren’t for the back off glare you can bet he’d be adorable.

“B-but?” She sits up straighter with wide eyes and a smile that’s so forced you can tell it has to be painful. 

“You can call her Bert for short.” Marcella graciously explains to me with a sympathetic face. “You see we’ve all grown up with each other and having someone in the group who’s not familiar really makes her nervous.”

“Oh, um, should I go then?” I don’t want to make the girl shit herself if she’s like this. I’m sure I can come back another time for Armen’s help.

“Ah, no. I-I’m fine.” Bert vigorously shakes her head and puts on a brave face. “Rei said, said, I should try meeting…new people.”

“Who’s Rei?” I glance over at Armen for any kind of clue.

“Reina is another member of the study group, but she has track practice right now.” Armen’s smile never falls from her face as she explains. I start to wonder if it’s tiring for her. “And now it’s your turn.”

“I’m Jean Kirchstein.” I shift my satchel more on my shoulder stupidly waving at them. Now I’m feeling REALLY out of place. They all know each other and here I am invading their closeness. “I need help with my communication class cause if I don’t at least pass my mom will have my head served on a platter.”

“Oh no!!” Bert shouts standing up and putting her hands on the table with a look of fear. 

“Not literally though.” I bit back a laugh and she relaxes back into her seat. 

“Oh, r—right. “

It’s silent for a bit until Andy starts laughing. Marcella hides behind her hand again, but you can see her cheeks puffing out and Bert weakly realizes her over reaction and weakly chuckles. You know I think I’m going to like being in this study group. They all seem like nice enough people. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After the study session it’s lunch time and THANK GOD because I’m pretty sure we were going to get kicked out if my stomach’s rumbling got any louder. When I enter into the cafeteria I find the entire room quiet and still. Serious shit must’ve been going down. 

“Get your fucking feet off my table before I chop them off.” The cafeteria lady looms over what I’m guessing is a freshman because you’d have to be stupid to do something like that here. He looks her up and down and scoffs at her before turning back to who he’s talking to completely ignoring her. WORSE. MOVE. EVER. 

There’s a thump then a yowl that echoes throughout the area and all is silent for a spilt second. The student somehow ended up on the ground and the cafeteria lady has a knife drown out ready to fulfill her threat. This is some insane shit going on and someone really should stop it, but I can’t help watching. It’s kind of like seeing the villain get his just rewards. Unfortunately someone grips the cafeteria lady’s hand from behind. 

“Come now, Levi. The boy didn’t know any better.” It’s the tall blond from before. “How about you let him off with a warning this time?”

“Fine.” Levi gives her an expressionless stare then relaxes her stance. 

The victim lets out the breath of air he was holding and laughs. Before he can say anything Levi throws a punch to his jaw.The cafeteria audience Oooo’s and Ahhh’s and explode with laughter and cheers as Levi is lead away by her blond friend. I want so desperately to follow them, but someone from across the way catches my attention.

“Is that normal?” It’s Marko.

“Yeah, pretty much when you piss off the cafeteria lady.” Connie turns holding up a finger to her before giving her a hug and leaving. What? Was she just leaving her like that after seeing that? Marko doesn’t complain though and seems to be all right with her leaving as she waves good-bye. It only lessens the stress I have for a moment. 

Why am I worrying? I’m sure Marko’s a big girl who can—

“Hey, haven’t seen you here before.” Awwww, ccrraaaaapp. Count on Hitch to the first douch Marko meets. Not boring to actually get food first I hurry to where the two are. Hitch smiles getting close to Marko and putting a hand on her shoulder. “Need someone to show you around campus? I know an amazing little spot I’d love to show you.”

“Um, all right.” MARKO! REALLY?!

“Sorry Hitch!” I step forward grabbing Marko’s arm and pulling her away and out of Hitch’s reach. “This babe has plans with me. Go fuck someone else.” 

“What?” Marko looks more confused than embarrassed. Bet she didn’t even catch on to what he was trying to do. 

“And here I was getting my hopes up.” Hitch doesn’t even try to deny it and winks at Marko. If I weren’t so concern in getting Marko away I’d hit him. “See you later, babe.”

Marko stays where she easy completely and utterly confused. I can’t believe him sometimes. Why doesn’t he deny anything? And why does that make him seem so cool? Argh!! Curse him and his good looks!

“Jean, you’re hurting me.” Marko nervously laughs trying to keep her lunch tray from falling. 

“Oh, sorry. Here, let me get that.” I let go of her arm and take the tray for her. She quietly thanks me and rubs her arms up and down. There are goose bumps all over them, she must be cold in here. They always tend to put it on full blast in here which isn’t a bad thing during the summer. “Hey he didn’t do anything to you, did he?”

“No. He said he was going to show me around.” Marko looks a little depressed. “But…I guess he had other intentions.”

“Yeah, that’s classic Hitch for you.” I sighed tiredly picking a spot where it shouldn’t be too cold. “He’s a real player. You’re best staying as far away from him as you can.”

“Okay, but how do you two know each other?” She takes her seat and tilts her head to the side. As she opens her small milk carton I come to realize I have nothing to eat myself. I glance over at the line for the cafeteria and takes to one less lunch lady it seems to be over crowded. 

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.” I really want to flip the fucking table right now or go Hulk or something. 

“Here, you can share with me.” Marko follows my eyeline and smiles holding up half of her sandwich to me. “I don’t really eat a lot and I had a big breakfast this morning.”

“Are you for real?” She really is my freckled food goddess. She nods happily and I take the other half thanking whatever created Marko. “You are going to spoil me rotten.”

“I don’t mind.” Marko laughs before opening the bag of chips and again offering me some. I could cry right now, I’m so happy. 

We sit there is silence just enjoying one another’s company exchanging small mundane dialogue and sharing in food and drinks. I get close enough to making milk come out of Marko’s nose when I realize what time it is. My bus will be arriving soon and I really do need to catch this one to get home before Mom and Dad do. Marko as observant as she is notices my expression change and me frowning down at my watch. 

“You know, its okay.” 

“What?”

“You have somewhere else you need to be, right?” She lightly smiles putting her elbows on the table leaning forward slightly. “I’m sure we’ll see each other tomorrow. So don’t feel bad about leaving.”

“Oh…” But I don’t want to leave! “All right. Guess I’ll get going then.” I stand wiping my hands down my jean and reach out to take the tray on my way out. Marko’s hand shoots out to stop me. Her fingers gently brushing against my wrist makes me shiver. Man, I really suck with physical contact. 

“I’ve got it.” She blushes slightly. I wonder if she noticed my reaction. I hope not because it would be embarrassing to explain. “Hurry before you’re late.”

She pulls away and waves good-bye to me. I can’t help smiling back and waving good-bye back. It’s weird…I mean we just barely met not even a week ago and here I am enjoying her company like how I use to with Aaron…I used to really like her…The feeling hits me like when you accidentally miss a step coming downstairs. 

What if…what if I’m rushing things too fast and getting to deep? What if Marko finds something that she really hates in me and decides to never talk to me again? I really want to make a good impression on her and hopefully be friends with her. What if I fuck that up and I don’t ever see her? Why do I even feel the need to see her? 

Because if I don’t I know it will drive me crazy.

So hurry it up. 

Bring me the night so the morning can come. 

So I won’t have to keep waiting.

To see those freckles again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case:
> 
> Meryl = Marlowe  
> Hitch = Hitch  
> Armin = Armin  
> Annie = Andy  
> Aaron = Eren  
> Alberta = Bertholdt  
> Rei = Reiner  
> Marcel = Marcella  
> Samuel = Sammy  
> Levi = Levi
> 
> I didn't want to change the names too much from the originals. Thanks again for reading this. It makes me glad that someone is actually reading this out there and enjoying it.
> 
> Also here's the playlist made for this series: 
> 
>  
> 
> [PAINT TO CANVAS](http://8tracks.com/neuroticsoulgobbler/paint-to-canvas)


	4. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's the worse that could happen?

You're so beautiful  
But that's not why I love you  
I'm not sure you know  
That the reason I love you is you

  


_Quiet…I had to be quiet. It was the best way to survive if you were a civilian when the attacks happened. A woman clutched her child tightly in her arms trying her best to quiet her sobs of pure fear. The ground shook and screams echoed the alley ways and once happy—well how could anyone here be happy—well-adjusted homes. The wails alone were deafening as those monster torn everything in their paths apart._

_Then it all goes eerily silent…the woman dares to release her child to make a quick check outside her window. The child instinctively never leaves her side hanging on tightly to the side of her tattered apron without saying a word, not even so much as a whimper. Ever so slowly the mother opens the old window and the room temperature changes drastically from the flames and mayhem that lay behind it. The city was on fire, people trying to recover the horror of the invasion, and bodies were thrown and still being piled into the streets. It truly was a scene from hell._

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


There’s something wrong with me. I’m not saying it to be overly dramatic, but it’s that moment when there’s no more questioning it and you know deep in your heart that there is. The feeling is so ingrained that you feel it from the tips of the hairs on your head all the way to the emptiness of your bones.

The ceiling of my room is starting to become almost too familiar.

Normal girls, they certainly didn’t have dreams like these. They had mundane dreams that centered around their movie star crushes or the cute boys they saw at the supermarket or some kind of mixture of reality and fantasy of their ordinary lives.

Something cold and hot slithers its way down my neck scaring the shit so bad at me that I physically flinch. No! Don’t touch me! Wait…it’s…Fuck! I think I’m crying. How stupid is that? This wasn’t normal, there’s no way this could be. Did I need a therapist? Was this the effect of some kind of deep rooted trauma that I can’t remember? Maybe these dreams happened because I watch too many horror movies. Mom always warned me about that. But then, do people even consistently dream about the same place night after night? 

My alarm goes off as if answering all the questions that suddenly flooded my mind. My God, is it morning already? Could’ve sworn I just closed my eyes. Angrily I reach over and smack around for the “off” button on the damn device. I don’t bother pulling my hand back; it hangs limply on the edge of the drawer. My chest feels so full in spite of the unconscious crying. My heart is thumping so loud I swear I can feel the bed shake slightly. It’s too early to function, it feels like my whole body fell asleep like when you don’t notice your arm fell asleep until you try to move that motherfucker. It’s a numbing effect of pins and needles and it doesn’t even feel like your arm anymore. The more you try to rub away the bitter pain the more it stings.

Yeah…fuck…this just can’t be normal…

I need to find out why. Why do I keep having these nightmares and why do they scare me so much that I end up like this fucked up mess. I don’t have time for all this shit, I have a life and I have friends I need to get out and go see. I don’t have time. I never seem to have enough time.

“Jean, did you need a ride to school?” 

Dad shouts to me. Today must be his day off. It takes a moment to remember what day it was and my schedule that goes along with it. Oh…I guess I didn’t have to be anywhere. Both a blessing and a curse, regardless I’m thankful I can take my time “waking up”.

“No! No classes!” Ouch! First mistake of the day. My throat is so parched that I expect sand to pour out. I sound like a eighty year old smoker mixed with choking on splinters. Apparently my dad notices too.

“Jeanie baby?” Oh no, the nickname. “Are you feeling all right?”

It takes everything in me to roll out of bed and make my way across the room. My body fights me with each step and screams, “No! No! NO!” Today’s is our day off, body! There’s gonna be hell to pay if you make this difficult for the both of us! The pep talk doesn’t work and my leg gives out briefly and I stumble forward hitting my head again the door. My loud groan alarms my dad and all I can recall is his voice and the doorknob shaking vigorously.

Great way to start the day…

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


“It mostly fatigue, but I’d keep an eye on her diet as well as you can.” Slowly the blackness fades away and I can tell I’m laying down on something. It looks like a bed covered in white sheets. It’s awfully bright too throughout the whole room. I squint harder and can make out the shape of my parents with their backs turned to me. They’re listening to someone go on about how important a healthy diet is. All I know is that my head is killing me and there’s this annoying feeling in me making all the hairs on my body want to stand up. I close my eyes again, but it starts to get worse.

Parents are still talking with that lady. How much advice can you give about diets? Can’t help scoffing a little, diets are such a scam. That kind of stuff changes every day! Like how everyone was obsessed with transfat, then it was carbs, and now according to mom’s favorite daily health channel it’s all about gluten-free. What the hell is gluten any wa—wait…what is THAT?

When I turned my head to the other side I’m greeted by a huge ass machine and a couple of monitors…oh shit…I sit up a little and something stings a bit. There’s something stuck in me. My fingers glide across it and it feel s gauze and tape along with a thin tube. My eyes follow it and reveal I’m hooked up to an IV.

I’m in a hospital.

Another fucking HOSPITAL!!

The machine monitoring my heart beat starts to pick up pace. The sound making me panic making it go faster and the awful cycle repeats itself. My brain is too stupid to comprehend that. Not too soon the doctor Mom and Dad were talking to notices and makes her way to check on me.

Out! I NEED to get out of here!

As hard as I can I rip the IV off and whatever the hell else they put on me. I need to get out of here. Someone get me out of here! I can’t be here!

“Ms. Kirstein please calm down.” The doctor calmly instructs reaching out to keep me from getting up too fast.

If I COULD calm down don’t you think I would have done it by now?! I know I’m not thinking right, but I don’t care right now. All I DO know is that I need to get out and this bitch is in the way. Two men arrive standing at the doorway. They look more like bouncers from at club. One has what is probably a tranquilizer in his hand. After a longer than expected struggle they shoot me up, it’s all over.

There’s a sour taste in my mouth and my body feels like it’s convulsing. I can’t breathe and my lungs feel like they’re on fire. I hate my body. I hate my mind. Goddamn, there’s definitely something wrong with me. I am fucking hate life right now.

“There you go.” My mom sighs tiredly.

She runs her hand up and down my arms trying to soothe me in the only way she knows how. She’s been home more often than dad to know that I get like this involving anything with the hospital. I mean, it was understandable when I was a kid, but as an adult? There’s no excuse and so fucking embarrassing. She doesn’t need all this and doesn’t need a shitty daughter like me.

“I’m sorry, Mom.” As best as I can I cover my eyes with my forearm that she’s not hanging onto. I can’t even look her in the eye as I say it, so pathetic.

They readjust my position slowly and the two men make their way out of the room. The doctor pushes her glasses up and then starts to clean them with the bottom of her blouse. She sets to task once she puts them back on and hooks me back up to the IV drip without a word. I bet she’s seen a lot.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, sweetie.” Mom gently smiles then motions Dad over not once letting go of me. The small gesture means more to me than to most people. We’re not a touchy feely family. What surprises me even more is that I’m physically craving it right now. Yeah, the girl who shudders from just a hand shake wants to be showered by Mommy’s hugs and Daddy’s kisses.

“H-hey, Jeanie baby…” My poor dad looks as while as the sheets I’m lying on.

Dad just reaches out with shaky hands and the pulls me close to his chest. Mom lets go for a little bit as he rocks me slightly kissing the top of my head letting out a shaky sigh. This is his first seeing me like this. I can’t even imagine what he must be thinking right now. He’s heard stories from Mom, but to actually see it. I hope he doesn’t think too differently of me. I couldn’t handle it. 

Weakly I reach up and wrap my arms around him. His heart is a little fast, but soon falls into its steady beat again. As pathetic as it sounds…What I fear more than any nightmare…is that my parents will stop loving me. How can they keep them loving me like they do when I freak out like this? They deserve someone a lot better than me. A normal daughter who can return their love. My arms tighten a little bit the more I think about it. Please, please don’t stop loving me. I think I’d die if they did.

“It’s going to be all right. You’re going to be all right.” He whispers as if reading my thoughts. 

That’s all I can remember from the hospital.

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


My eyes open and I’m laying down in my bed. Hello ceiling, we’re really getting to know each other too well for comfort. Before I sit up I noticed I’m dressed in a pair of pajamas that I haven’t worn since middle school. Needless to say it fits with the exception of the pants now being shorts. Sad to say other than height I didn’t really change. 

The silence in the apartment reminds me of the silence in my dream. Like the mother I decide to venture out, but decide against it when my feet barely touch the cold floor. I doubt I have the energy for it anyway. It’s not like I don’t know where I am this time. As arrogant as it sounds, they’ll eventually come to me. No point in fighting it especially in my mentally weak state. Gently I reach up to touch the bandage on my head. Ouch! Okay, bad idea. What day is it? I bet it’s Monday. Stupid fucking Mondays.

“Time to eat.” The maid announces before coming in with a tray in her hands. 

“What day is it?” The woman continues to make her way towards the bed not showing any obvious signs she heard me. I hate being ignored. “I’m not hungry.”

“The day does not matter.” The plates clank lightly as she sets the tray down on top of one of my drawers beside the bed. “Time to eat.”

She states more firmly this time. With a slight growl and a grunt I struggle to lift myself up into a straighter sitting position. A sharp pain hits me starting from the back of my head all the way down my spine to the tips of my toes. Something must’ve happened because before I know it the maid is over me telling me to breathe while I’m curled into a ball. It hurts so bad I don’t know what to do with myself.

“Do you want me to call your parents, Ms. Kirschstein?” Gently she runs a hand up and down my spine in the same way my mother would. Mom, I really miss her right now. 

“No. Give me a second.” My voice doesn’t sound like me. It’s low and gruff and sounds like a stranger voicing my thoughts. I can’t go crying to Mom or Dad each time I hurt. I’d be an annoying little brat if I did.

“All right then. Remember to breathe, nice and slow. There’s no hurry, no need to rush. In and out. In and—“ Her voice lulls me back into the moment. I know I said a second, but by the time I’m sitting up again I can tell that the soup she brought is now cold. “Will you be okay if I heat this up again?”

“Huh? Oh yes, of course.” I know I’ve said this before, but I love my old maid.

She’s been taking care of me since before I was born! I swear she psychic or something close to it, maybe a mutant. It helps too that she took care of my mom too when she was little. In a way you could say she’s more like a grandma to me than an actual maid. Her ability to anticipate my next thoughts or whim is phenomenal. It makes her especially easy to be around.

“I’ll be back then.” She takes the tray and makes for the door. I never did get my question answered. I look to my drawer, but before I can so much move an inch my maid turns to me. “The doctor prescribed some medication for you later as well as plenty of undisturbed rest. So I took the liberty of removing any distracting devices of your and your mother temporarily changed the wifi’s password.”

ARGH!! What does she expect me to do then?! Sit here and wait?! I give up slumping against my pillows. She lightly chuckles at me.

“It will only be a minute, dear.” Then she’s gone like she promised.

I let out another groan as I flop even further into my bed slanting myself into probably one of the least healthy positions for your neck and spine to be in. The silence is back again and going to kill me. If it doesn’t then being deprived of all electronics and internet will certainly do the job. I take the moment to fully stretch. So many crackles and pops you’d think I was a bowl of Rice Krispy cereal. 

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

  


The day went by pretty quickly. Like the doctor prescribed I got enough rest to probably make up for all the nights of rest I’ve lost since college. Hate to admit, but it was just what I needed. The medication I was taking helped with the pain and after talking to my dad about it I found out I actually had stitched done. He joked telling me I could probably dress up as Harry Potter this year with the scar it will leave. My dad rarely jokes, but when he does…oy…

“Oh that reminds me.” Dad pulls out his small notebook which he carries around out of habit of forgetting a lot of things. “Connie left you a message asking how you were. She also said something about deciding costumes for some kind of convention?”

”We were talking about getting a booth.” I can feel the smile I had a few moments ago fall off my face. “But that was supposed to be not until Friday.”

“You’ve been home for about three days.” Dad looks a little worried. 

What…the…FUCK?!

Dad doesn’t catch on to my obvious anger. 

“It was really important that you rest. We informed some of your teachers about your condition. Luckily you didn’t have any big assignments or tests coming up so it worked out.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” My whole body starts trembling. “Three days?! Are you kidding me?”

“There’s not much you could do.” Dad tries again this time with a sympathetic expression. “You were asleep most of the time. The doctor said we should wait a week before trying to take out your stitches.”

“But! But THREE DAYS?!” My arms start swinging around like a windmill before clawing my own eyes out. 

“J-Jean?” Dad looks so lost as he stands up and rubs my back. “Is everything—what’s wrong?”

With one last sigh I pull my hands away and slump back into my bed. He’s right, there’s not much I can do anyway. Hell, just getting out of bed to use the restroom exhausts me. It’s just…three days…

“Hey Dad…can I have my phone back?” At least grant me that. I’m going through internet withdraw.

“S-sure.” He nearly races out of my room to retrieve it for me. Ha, my poor dad. He really does get uncomfortable when I get emotional like this. A small laugh manages its way out of me. God, I am so spoiled. When my dad comes back he hands it to me, I make sure to give him a slight hug before kissing his cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” He squirms a bit out of my grasp, but realizes it. Gently he picks up my hand and give it one solid pat before clearing his throat. “I just-I just want you to get better soon…you have no idea how scared I was seeing my daughter…”

“Sorry.” He bites his lip unable to finish his sentence not making eye contact. Again he shakes his head.

“No. I’m sorry. When you’re feeling better we’ll talk more about this. Relax, get some rest, and don’t forget to call Connie.” He smiles at the last part, laughter shinning in his eyes. “We’d like to use the house phone at some point. Just call us old fashion.” 

That gets a genuine laugh out of me and I nod. As soon as he’s out the door I ponder which to do first. Call my soulmate Connie or check my twitter…

Sorry soulmate…

Immediately I’m greeted by a bombarding amount of tweets and direct messages from said soul mate. There’s a few from Armen asking if I was going to study session which changes to get well soon. A few drawing of rad mad skills artist I envy the hell out of. Ymir and Chris post a hell lot of selfies though. (They’d definitely give Hitch a run for his money.) One of them being both of them sporting Mickey Mouse ears. Man! I wanna go! 

In spite of popular belief, not everyone has ever gone to Disneyland. It’s on my checklist of things to do next to being able to maintain and care for my own horse someday. It used to be pony, but then I grew too tall for one…then again there are those dwarf ponies…Yeah, a horse and a dwarf pony…maybe a unicorn. 

I leave twitter and continue to browse the net checking all my sites and blogs. God, how I’ve missed this. Just laying in bed catching up on stuff. A few online friends wondering where the hell I went. Other than that there’s not too much that’s changed. People are busy I guess and when I think about it …it’s only been three days. Not like I was in a coma either. I should probably try to do something nice later for Dad for exploding like that at him. He’s a lot like me when dealing with these ugly human things called emotions. Urgh, gross. 

While scrolling down my tumblr account I stop completely…

Oh..dear…GOD!

How did…Oh my GOD!! 

FFFFFFFUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK….

Instantly I dial Connie number praying to God she answers. 

“About time you call—“

“Mikasa found my tumblr!!” I try hard not to scream into the phone. 

“What? How—“

“MIKASA FOUND MY TUMBLR!!” That’s it, the embarrassment can no longer be contained. I flop down on my face in bed and just scream it out kicking my feet like a child throwing a tantrum. 

My tumblr, my filthy disgusting tumblr with not only NSFW drawings and shippings and “hearted” porn gifs…but also embarrassing snap chat wars, mushy ramblings of a unrequited crush, and creepy stalker shots of Mikasa himself. What can I say? Sometimes I just have to share it with the world! 

“Jean calm down, everyone has a dirty tumblr.” Connie tries to console me over the phone. Yes, people have dirty tumblrs, but this is MIKASA!! How can I even look at him anymore without him thinking I was absolute trash!

“I can’t breathe. Oh God.” I seriously can’t. Goddammit! What is this? Why am I freaking out like this? It’s just Mikasa…it’s just Mi—AHHH!! IT’S MIKASA!! 

“Why don’t you go look at his tumblr?” Connie’s voice sounds very distant. “If it’s just as dirty you can bet he’s not gonna look down on you.”

“Y-yeah…thanks Connie. I’ll look in a bit.” Slowly, oh so slowly I start to put my feet back on the ground.

“What are besties for?” Connie sings. “Oh yeah! Are you still going to get the table for the convention? Please tell me you’re in. I can’t handle it being just me and Sas again.”

“But I thought your love for each other knows no bounds?” I can feel my blood circulating once again. This is nice, this is familiar. 

“Yeah, but—okay listen.” Uh oh, here comes Connie story time. “Just listen ok?”

“I am.” I can help smirking. “What did Sasha do last time?”

“Well, you know pretty well how much he loves pizza and how much he loves pretzels right? Well, there was a vendor selling pizza pretzels next to us and Sasha just kept buying them the entire time. But he didn’t get any napkins.”

Grease and paper…not a good combination.

“And you know how he gets when he’s bored. He just kept touching all my drawings and got grease stains all over ALL of them.”

“ALL of them? 

“ALL. OF. THEM.” Connie sighs heavily. “I was keeping a close eye on him, but I had to use the restroom and the closest toilet was a block away. I couldn’t sell anything when I came back. I’m lucky I even broke even for what it cost for the table.”

“Wow, that sucks.”

“Yeah, I nearly killed him for it cause they took me so long to draw.” I can hear Connie lightly plop on her own small twin bed. “So what have you been up to? Feels like forever since I’ve seen you.”

“Well, dad said I can easily cosplay Harry Potter now.” Connie Ooo’s for a second. “I don’t know, I guess I passed out and cracked my head on the doorknob.” 

“Dddaammmn, that sounds cool.” Ha, that’s so Connie. “If you’re gonna be Harry Potter, I’ll be Voldemort.”

I openly laugh into the phone because I know she would. I can already see it in my head. Hair didn’t really matter to her anymore, she’s shave off what little she had just to match my cosplay. 

“I think the height difference would be too obvious.”

“Awww, you’re no fun.” 

We talk for a little bit longer and I almost completely forget my trauma over Mikasa. Connie’s always been good at this. She’s the one friend I cannot loose. When we hang up it suddenly feels so lonely in this big empty place I call my room. If Connie ever gets married or decides to move away to another city for any reason…was this going to be my life? I put my hand to my head and give it one good shake. No, I can’t go that way again. Stop it, change it, find something to do…

Time to take a peek at Mikasa’s tumblr.

When I arrive to it, there’s some kind of heavy metal music that automatically plays. It’s a good song, just not in the mood right now. There are a couple of posts, but mainly random vines. A lot of black and white photography. Hm, I never would have guessed him to be interested in that sort of stuff. The more I scroll down the more I realize there are a lot of nude tattooed and pierced pin up type of women…

God I would KILL to have that kind of feminine figure. 

Marko definitely has that figure…Not only is she physically attractive, but she’s beautiful inside out .

I wonder how she would look with a tattoo. I mean, it would probably be something cute and sweet like her. Maybe something more symbolic, but cute none the less. Like a sailor anchor or some kind of blue jay on her shoulder. That would look cute on her. Now that I’m thinking about it, she could totally put off the retro look. If she ever dressed in a uniform I’d need to ask her to let me draw her. I just love that look. We’d have to do it on the weekend and would need to do makeup first. Hold it, does she even wear makeup?

…wait what was I doing?

I know I was on tumblr for a reason. Oh well…hey! I have a few new followers. I quickly go to it and start following them back. Mikasa is now following me. It almost makes us for the previous embarrassment. I click on his profile pic again and it directs me to his newest post…It’s one of the first drawings I did of him. Gah! I should’ve deleted it, but he hearted it…and reblogged it with a single tag that read: awesome.


	5. The Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you got it, flaunt it

_I'm just a little bit caught in the middle_  
_Life is a maze and love is a riddle_  
_I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried_  
_And I don't know why_

That night I didn’t have the nightmares. I didn’t really have any dreams which is a weird yet more than welcomed experience. As soon as I wake up my mind immediately goes to Mikasa. How gross have I become that he’s my last and first thoughts? Unable to resist the urge I whip out my phone and login to my tumblr account. Yep, he’s following me…and he liked and reblogged my shitty stalker doodle of him with the tag “awesome”. With a groan I roll onto my stomach in a sad of attempt of social suicide.

How can I even look at him again? Well, look at him directly face to face that is. Hell I know I have a problem and hell no, I’m not gonna stop. He’s like a drug for me and it’s sickening I know. It’s painfully embarrassing too. The most I ever said to him was back when we were in elementary. We were waiting for Aaron to get out of class because the teacher held her back to give her a scolding for throwing a chalkboard erase at a girl’s head.

I forget exactly why I was waiting for Aaron, but Mikasa and her usually met at her last class so they could walk home together. Mikasa notice the teenage mutant ninja turtle shirt I was wearing that day and complimented it. I was caught off guard because no one ever complimented what I wore. Too excited to know he was only trying to not make it awkward I went off talking about the show and the movies revealing myself to be a complete nerd.

Mikasa never said anything after that other than a few curt responses and greetings whenever we ran into each other. Still his actions spoke louder than words. Whenever at Aaron’s house he would politely bring me something to drink and something for Aaron too. When my parents couldn’t pick me up he insisted that I spend the night. (Of course he only asked because Aaron would worry too much, not that she would ever admit it.)

But the moment that I completely fell for him was during middle on the day both Aaron and Armen were absent due to giving each other the flu. According to Mikasa, he had tried to tell them they shouldn’t be hanging out if they hadn’t fully recovered yet. It was lunch time and it was just the two of us sitting in the cafeteria. Now during that time seeing a girl and a boy sitting alone together…well…you can see where I’m going with this.

A few boys had taunted him and said some really ridiculous shit, kiddy stuff, you know. Mikasa never said anything and ignored them. It wasn’t until one of the girls who apparently had a crush on him complained about why a horse-faced girl like me got to even be at the same table as him. That comment hurt more than it should’ve and it was one of the few moments I wanted to cry. Mikasa threw the girl one of the meanest looks I had and still have seen up to this day. He didn’t have to say anything and that bitch so shocked to have received such a look dumped her tray and took off running out of the cafeteria hiding her face with her hands while her groupies followed after her.

Yeah, that’s when I fucking knew I was doomed for. I didn’t just love Mikasa. I fucking ADORED him.

After that he said he had to go to see a teacher for some help with homework and we parted our own ways. I had told Connie all about it and she laughed her face off as I reenacted the girl’s reaction. With a few exaggerations on my part mainly for comical effect. As if the day couldn’t get any better Mikasa waited for me at my last class and we got to walk home together. Just the two of us. It was probably out of habit, but I didn’t care what his reason was. I was happy, end of story. That night I can remember jumping on my bed and falling down hugging a pillow tightly to my chest laughing like I was drunk. Mikasa was so cool and awesome and chased off that bitch for me.

Of course, my view on love back them was pretty obscure.

Mikasa is unobtainable due to his undying devotion to none other than Aaron. That was the hurtful truth of it all. He only cared about me because Aaron cared. He only hung around because Aaron was near. I was a friend of Aaron therefore only an extension of her. She would and always will come first before anyone else, even their own parents. Once I unconsciously realized this, the seed which led to the death of our friendship was planted. All the bitterness chewed me inside out and I could just feel it growing black. It’s a hard feeling to describe, but the closest I can think of would be like if something was slowly hollowing you out from the inside. I need to cut her off.

Seeing the person you admired and respect showering your best friend with unadulterated love was the cruelest slow deaths that could be sentence on any human being. Especially when said best friend didn’t appreciate it like you did. It’s like dying for just a sip of water and watching her mindlessly pour a bottle of water on the hot pavement street during the hottest summer. The more I think about it the more bitter I get. This seriously needs to stop. I try and distract my mind with something else in the room.

I turn on my back and stared at my ceiling. Was that a new crack I see? No, wait. It was just a cobweb. How do I even notice small little details like that? I’ve been looking at this WAY too much I decide. With a heavy heaving some I lift my legs up as far as I can and try to swig myself up. I semi-fail almost falling forward, but at the last moment catch myself at the edge of my mattress. Whew! That could have ended horribly. Worse-case scenario, I could have fell face first into the floor and reopen my stitches…but that’s it.

I know I should find that more frightening, but I don’t. I’m not scared of ever physically hurting myself. It’s the emotional hurt that I know I can’t handle. Before I can register what I’m doing my phone is pressed against my ear and I can hear it ringing. Who did I just call?

“Miss me already?” Ah, yes…Of course it would be Connie. My emotional security blanket.

“Yeah.” My voice is a bit gravelly. Man, I called Connie before coffee. I must be worse than I thought. Connie picks up on my mental conversation with myself and her tone changes slightly. 

“Hey, you ok?” I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh letting my arm fall down on the bed.

“Yeah, um, well no…” I pull away for a second to try and clear my throat so I don’t sound like such a bear over the phone. “I don’t think I can make it tomorrow. My head started hurting me again. I haven’t doodle for days. Any commissions would end up looking like crap. Sorry.”

“Whoa? Days?! Are you all right? Seriously!” Connie nearly shouts into the phone. Me not doodling is like me not breathing. In the background I can hear Mr. Meat and Potatoes and someone else.

“You’re on campus already?” I really need to get back into the swing of school again. Just the thought of being on campus so early makes me want to vomit…violently. 

“Yeah. Here, Marko’s been giving me this look like she wants to talk to you for a while now. So be nice.” Connie snickers a bit and I can already hear Marko telling her she’s fine and protesting it. “She’s been worried about you ever since I’ve told her about your wicked head injury.”

“You ass. Why’d you go making it sound serious?” I groan out, but Connie has already handed off the phone to the girl. It’s not like I hate her or anything, but it feels like Connie is trying to force me into accepting a new friend. Naturally my response is to rebel against it.

“Jean?” Dear Lord she sounds scared. As if just by saying my name she could potentially break me as easily as glass.

“Hi Marko.” I sigh out. Damn this girl. She knows how to get pass my defense with just one word. “Hope Connie hasn’t been picking on you too much.”

“Oh no! She’s been nothing, but lovely.” I crack out a short laugh for two reasons. One, who the hell talks like that?! And two, she called freaking CONNIE of all people “lovely”. Oh this girl, she’s about to be horribly surprised later. God save her.

“You don’t have to lie.” I chuckle a bit hearing Marko mumble something, but it sounds unsure. In the background I hear Connie tell me to ‘be nice’ again. I guess I should listen to mother hen. “Sorry I worry you though. It’s nothing serious I should be back in time to do that modeling thing with you.”

“Please don’t push yourself. I’d completely understand if you were unable to attend. Your health is more important.” Do they give princess speech lessons somewhere? Hell, I oughta sign up.

“Hey, hey! No letting the slacker weasel out!!” Connie shouts over again. The contrasts between their personalities make me smile. “That son-of-a-bitch better come, dead or alive! No excuses!”

“How is she supposed to come if she’s dead?” Marko’s voice is a little away from the phone sound a bit distant, but I can still make it out. You know, it’s kinda funny hearing them talk to one another. I’ve always wondered what they talked about.

“She’d come as a ghost, duh.” Smart logical comeback as always.

“How would you know if she came back if you can’t see her?” Oh oh ohhh, does Ms. Princess have a feisty snarky side I am not aware of? This could be interesting.

“Dude, we’re like spirit sistahs.” Sasha laughs a bit at this. Connie probably made some kind of gesture when she said that. “Believe me, I’d know.”

“That sounds kind of scary.” Marko’s voice shakes a little…hm…makes me wonder.

“Not that I’m not enjoying hearing your conversation,” I bit my lip to keep from laughing when I hear Marko’s small surprised sound. She must’ve forgotten that she still had the phone in her hand. I can just imagine her red face. “But I’m starting to get sleepy again.”

“Is your medication too strong?” Dr. Marko sounds very concerned for a second.

“Nah, I’m just a bum.” I assure her. She doesn’t say anything for a second.

“You’re horrible.” She lets out a sigh lightly laughing.

“Yep, and you’ll see my even more horrible face soon.” I can’t help laughing back. “I’ll see you soon so don’t you worry, Princess.”

“Don’t forget it’s for Friday at three across from the Ceramics lab.” Good thing she reminded me. I totally forgot to find out what time and where. “They said a bathing suit should be find if you’re uncomfortable being in your underwear.”

“Sounds like fun.” Hm, there’s gotta be a better response to that. Makes me sound like a pervert. I’m actually a little disappointed. I’m probably one of the few girls who look better nude than in a my swimsuit. Marko probably rocks just about anything in that bod.

“You don’t sound too excited.” Again she sounds a little concern. “Do you not have one?”

“I have one, but it’s totally not sexy.” Boy shorts and a tank top, you can hardly call it a swimsuit. Maybe I’ll try and find a halter top style one to show off my tat…I might even just do the boy shorts undies. Those make my ass look really good and I’m not too shy about going topless.

“Connie wants to tell you something. I’ll see you later, Jean.” Again I tell her bye and I can hear the phone brushing against something and shaking a bit before Connie’s back on the line. I can hear some footsteps as they talk and walk. Guess Marko left them because I can no longer hear her in the background.

“I’m going to be going back for chemo again.” Her tone is low and serious. It’s one she only talks to me in when no one else is around. Sasha must’ve left too.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t need it again?” It feels like someone reached into my chest and gave my heart a big hard squeeze. “How soon?”

“As soon as my Mom can get the car fixed and get the week off.” Connie laughs a little bitterly. “As if that’s gonna happen. I may end up having to take a cab over or something by myself.” 

“Hell no. I’ll try and talk to Dad and maybe we can drive you or something.” I can hear the creak of Connie’s locker opening. She must be going into the ceramics lab right now. “Why don’t you take Sasha with you? He went with you last time right?”

“Yeah, and it made me feel like shit.” She slams her locker closed then the line goes quiet…I can hear her breathing a little slower as she starts to calm herself.

God how I wish I could be at school right now. How I wish I could be right there next to her. How I wish I could give her a bone crushing hug and tell her she’s gonna beat this. But I’m not and I can’t. It’s been like this since high school. Sometimes Connie would be absent for days and she’d come back with new bruises on her arms from the treatment. She had asked me once if I could see her while she was in the hospital…

But I couldn’t…

I tried, but my phobia or whatever the hell it is didn’t let me. I’ve never hated myself as much as I did then. Connie never asked me why I never showed up after that. I called her almost every day to make up for it. I’d constantly draw her get well cards and she showed me each one once she was released. We would laugh over some of them and it was as if she had never left. As if everything was fine once again and that it all was a figment of my imagination.

“Do you think you can try and drop by Mom’s to make sure that Ugly gets fed?” That was the name of her pug. Poor fat little creature was just plain ugly and the name just sort of stayed with it.

“You’re going to go through chemo again and that’s what you’re worried about?” I take a deep breath and run a hand over my face trying my damn hardest not to get so emotional over things. Connie was going to be fine like she always is.

“Yeah, mom tends to get home really tired and forgets to feed even herself sometimes. Could your family keep an eye on her too? Make sure she doesn’t overwork herself and maybe like invite her out sometimes?”

“I’ll let Mom know what’s going on. I’m sure she’ll invite her out on girl’s night or whatever it is that they do.” My eyes are getting heavier and I just shut them. I try hard not to picture Connie all by herself over at the hospital away from the family and town she loves so much. “I can’t say though I can stop Sasha from seeing you. When he puts his mind to something there’s no talking him out of it.”

“I’ll talk to him about it. Don’t you worry about it.” Footsteps again. I can hear whatever music is playing in the background and the sound of Connie’s backpack hitting the chair. “I’ll still be here Friday though for your be debut miss model.”

“Yeah, so looking forward to that. Hitch just better not be there with his fucking camera.”

“How the hell did you find out about that?!” Connie gasps. “It was supposed to be a surprise!”

“He said he hear Sasha talking about it.” For some reason Connie thinks me and Hitch would actually be kind of cute. Or at least I’d have a better chance with him than with Mikasa. For some reason she never liked Mikasa too much. Probably because I’ve always been gushing over him.

“Fine, fine. I have to get started on some projects.” Connie tells me before adding. “I was actually thinking of going wig shopping when I get back. Are you in?”

“Yeah, sure why not?” When she gets back…it helps to ease the pain and chases away that there’s even a possibility that anything could go wrong.

I have always loved the way that Connie would talk to me. As if things were certain in the universe and that one could will for no bad happening towards anyone especially those that mean the most to you. All you have to do was sing a happy song and keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will find your way through all the hard times. She must’ve learned how to be brave going through all of this. I don’t know how she or others like her can. Makes me realize how weak and how big of a coward I am. I can’t even stay unconscious in a hospital too long without losing my shit. She truly amazes me.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It doesn’t take long for Friday to finally come. It’s about that time that Dad drops me off at school that I realized that I should’ve enjoyed being lazy at home when I could. Before I can jump back into the car and just give up on life I can hear someone calling out to me. It’s Armen and Mikasa standing next to her and you wouldn’t believe it if I told you, but Aaron was nowhere to be found. This was definitely a once in a blue moon chance.

“Did you need something, honey?” Dad rolls down the window and looks concern. I bet if I had asked him to he would have taken me back home. Instead I shake my head and just smile back at him.

“Be safe.” That’s the closest this family gets to saying dreaded emotional line, ‘I love you’ when in public. It’s like our code language and Dad smiles and tells me the same before driving off.

“Jean! Over here!” Armen waves at me like I didn’t notice them the first time. She’s holding a few books in her arms and wearing a rather full looking messenger bag. Mikasa seems to be secretly helping her lightly holding up one end of the bag.

“Oh hey, what are you two doing over here?” Be casual. Be cool, Jean.

“Well, we heard there were going to be free refreshments in the art department.” Armen blushes a bit, but smiles cheerfully.

“Art Day.” Mikasa simply states.

Now art day at the art department was a way to draw new potential art majors or minors while enticing them with promise of free food. Each section was clearly labeled and there seemed to be a balloon archway everywhere you turned. All the labs were open and any works that the regular students wanted to show off were conveniently displayed around the areas. There was also a section where people could try throwing a pot in the ceramics department. It’s sort of fun seeing people try it for the first time. Not to mention small little tipping jars to help fund our programs and clubs.

It suddenly dawns on me that the doodling session for the art club is part of the event. Mentally I curse at it. If I had known Armen and Mikasa were going to be looking around I would have rather walked around with them.

“Oh, that’s cool. I wish I could join you, but I’m actually helping a friend recruit noobs for the art club.” A shrug my backpack on the other side sighing just a bit. This would’ve been the perfect opportunity to talk to Mikasa about photography. Maybe even talk him into take a few classes together. Now THAT would be a dream come true.

“Really? That sounds really interesting.” Armen chirps brightly. Suddenly it reminds me of something that I’ve always wanted to see.

“Yeah, me and my friend Marko are going to be modeling for a figure drawing session. You should meet her. She’s really nice.” Mikasa seems to perk up a bit about the drawing part. Armen notices too.

“Maybe we’ll try and drop by before leaving.” Armen smiles. “We’re passing the time until Aaron finished talking with one of her professors.”

Urgh! Of course…Everything revolve around that woman when it came to these two. Count down until the green eyed monster shows up and makes me look like a complete ass again. No, I really want this to work! I just need to think of something nice to say. It shouldn’t be so hard. I mean, if I can say something nice to a complete stranger then why can’t I say nothing nice about Aaron? There’s gotta be SOMETHING nice I can say..

Before I can make a fool out of myself I can feel a hand touch my back and shoulder.

“Are you ready to go?” Truly she is my guardian angel.

“Yeah, oh! Armen this is Marko. Marko this is Armen.” I quickly make the introduce curious as hell to see how they’d react to one another.

“Hi, pleased to meet you.” Marko sparkles shaking Armen’s much smaller hand bowing her head slightly. She’s a lot taller than Armen, now that I think about it.

“The same.” Armen smiles, but something is off. I can’t quite put my finger on it. “He’s Mikasa. We’ve been friends with Jean since childhood.”

Mikasa makes no attempt to be as friendly as Armen, but nods at Marko acknowledging her existence. It make sound like he’s being cold and distant, but it’s more than he gives most strangers. Personally, I’m really surprised!

Marko nods back and bows her head just a little bit before focusing back on what Armen is saying. It’s nothing too important like asking what her major was. Asking how we first met and how is she liking the college so far. Marko in return answers most of the questions, but doesn’t seem to be asking much of her own to Armen. It feels really weird being on the outside watching them talk or more of watching Armen politely question the heck out of Marko. It’s beginning to make even me a little uncomfortable.

“Sorry Arm, but we have to go.” I step between the two pulling Marko away from them.

Marko doesn’t say anything and doesn’t put up a fight. She merely looks at me and gives Armen an apologetic smile even though she’s done absolutely nothing wrong. Armen looks a little surprised, but nods waving good-bye to us. When we’re out of hearing distance I let go of Marko and give her a curious look. Her cheeks are lightly red and she looks a bit flustered over something.

“Um, she’s…nice.” Marko looks down at the ground and glances behind herself running a hand up and down the arm I was dragging her by.

“Yeah, she can be.” I open my locker before going into the ceramics building. “But that was kinda weird. Not sure if you felt it.”

“I did!” Marko gasps out looking really relieved I mentioned it. “I didn’t want to be rude or anything. I thought it for sure it was my imagination.”

“No, I definitely felt something.” It was similar to that one look Armen gave me when I had talked about Aaron in the library.

“She could just be worried for you.” Marko speaks up curling her hands into fist then nodding firmly to herself. “Maybe-maybe she thinks I’m a friend stealer or something like that.”

“A friend stealer?” I look at Marko as she firmly nods.

“Yes.” This time I do laugh at her. She’s so fucking adorable. I can’t stand it!

“Well, I’ll try and not let myself be stolen.” Marko giggles just a bit before nodding.

I close my locker and we’re on our way to the drawing section which is just the other side of the wall across from ceramics station. There’s only a small thin hallway that runs in the middle of the whole department which separates us. Connie looks up from kneading one of her wedge pieces and smiles at us waving a filthy hand at us. There are a couple of new faces standing not too far from her. Looks like she’s already gather new recruits. Excellent.

“Hey! You both came! It’s a miracle!” She waves her hand higher in the air then wipes her hands off her apron. “I have a few minutes to go over posing ideas with you before they all show up.”

“Not my first rodeo. I’m sure we can handle this.” I lead the way into the room and drop my backpack on the stage. “Go back to your demonstration.”

“Awww, fine. Make sure you give Marko here lots of pointers.” With that Connie goes back to her little ducklings. Marko watches her leave then looks up at me. She’s so damn nervous that it’s starting to make me nervous.

“S-So, um is th-there a curtain we can ch-change behind?” She shifts her weight from side to side and runs a finger behind her ear.

“Um, no. There’s a bathroom over there if you need to change.” I point in the direction and turn my back to her taking off my jacket. Before I can get my shirt off I hear her squeak behind me.

“So you’re the new model?” I should’ve guessed. Hitch was the first to arrive and had gotten nearly nose to nose with Marko before she had the chance to go change. His lack of respect for personal space really got on my nerves sometimes.

“And the pervert shows his ugly face.” I sigh as I fully pull my shirt over my head and throw it at him.

“Who you calling ugly?” Hitch turns his attention from Marko to me easily catching the shirt I threw at him. The girl takes a chance and makes for the bathroom while he’s distracted. Hitch notices, but merely shrugs then takes a deep sniff of my shirt. “Nice.”

“Oh shut up.” I’m glad the lights aren’t turned on yet otherwise he’d get the satisfaction of seeing the blush that I know is across my face. “Where are you gonna be sitting so I can avoid you?”

“Front row, baby.” Hitch puts my shirt over his shoulder and makes his way to the stacked piles of drawing horses. He places one right in the middle as close to the stage area as he can get and finds one of the charcoal clipboards. “I’m gonna need to to see your bitty titties.”

“Such a flatter as always.” I roll my eyes and lift myself onto the stage and lift up my boot to him.

He smirks and reaches over helping me to take it off along with the other placing them right beside him. I bend my leg onto my knee and remove both of my socks balling them up and tossing them at him. He catches them and also gives them a curious sniff. I can’t help, but chuckle for a second at the face he makes before putting them in one of my boots. He’s a really confusing character. One minute he’ll be hitting on you and the next talking to you like you’re a bro. I start to unbuckle my jeans and shimmy out of them when Hitch decides to talk to me again.

“You look really nice. Undressed I mean.” I roll my eyes at him and fold my jeans handing them to him. He takes them putting them underneath his seat and sighs adjusting his clipboard again raising an eyebrow. “That’s it?”

“Until more people come.” I draw my knees close to my chest. I still have my boy shorts panties, strapless sports bra, and beanie on. I was planning on doing this whole thing topless for a little bit then putting it back on if it got too cold.

“You’re not really self-conscious, are you?” Hitch takes out his pencil case and starts to sketch. Curiously I lean forward just a bit to see what he’s drawing. “Don’t move.”

“Geez, fine.” I puff out my cheeks and sigh. This was the part I hated about modeling. The silence and awkward eye contact. “Can you at least put on the radio or something?”

“Here. You can borrow it until I’m finished.” Hitch tosses me his ipod then goes back to drawing. I sigh again and take it putting in the earbuds. I admit I’m really curious to know what kind of music this douche bag listens to.

“Ha!! You have MeredithBrook’s‘Bitch’ in here?” Hitch smiles and nods not losing focus on his drawing.

“What can I say? I’m a sucker for 90’s music.” I would NOT have guessed. “What did you expect to find?”

“Well, something more like this.” I hold up the ipod smirking.

“What can I say? I like big butts and I cannot lie.” Okay, now that deserved a laugh. I shake my head though finding the courage to look deeper into his taste or lack of taste for music.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Marko comes into the room there’s already a fair amount of people. Enough that we could turn the radio on and I could stop listening to Hitch’s playlists. It wasn’t half as bad as I thought it would be, but I think I had enough of Eminem, Backstreet Boys, and various 90’s women pop singers.

She’s dressed in a rather retro looking bathing suit which suits her rather sweet shorter hair style. I know I keep saying how I wish I could pull off something like that, but man I bet every girl can’t help comparing herself to her. Marko makes her way to the stage and settles to simply sit on the edge for a little bit with her ankles crossed. I’m currently standing with my back mostly turned to them and hands over my chest showing off my better ASSests. I’ve already done a couple of various poses and I’m starting to get a little hungry.

“What should—“ Marko looks up at me after a few minutes and blushes. Opps, guess I should put my bra back on if it makes her uncomfortable. In my defense I have my hands covering my breast and bottoms on so I’m not completely indecent in the proper sense.

“Sorry, I’ll put it back on in a few minutes.” She nods and decides to change her pose a little so her back is to me. I decide to do the same and stretch out a little bit letting the sketches do at least one topless stance. There’s a gleam in Hitch’s eyes, but he doesn’t say anything managing to look completely professional for once.

I couldn’t give a damn…but it was just my luck for that day…

The more I look into the crowd the more I can see their faces. A few familiar ones here and there. I’ve seen them before in previous drawing sessions so it’s nothing they haven’t seen before. It’s the certain face that suddenly makes me feel so vulnerable. Mikasa and Armen found the time to come and join the session. Armen is doodling in a wired lined notebook while Mikasa seems to actually have a sketch pad on him.

For a brief moment I wonder what’s inside of it.

“Catch.” Hitch tosses me my shirt instead of my bra.

I catch it and slip it on doing another pose with my arms slightly above my head doing a side profile so sketchers can have a little fun with my hairstyle. It’s a little unusual, but I’m told it looks very artsy. It’s one of the other things that I’m proud of. Marko takes the hint and changes her own pose standing up with her hands on her hips. We were reaching the end of the session so I decide to play it up just a little bit. I hook arms with Marko and turn looking at her. Poor Marko nearly jumps out of her skin.

“Relax, Princess. I’m not going to hurt ya.” I can’t help smiling back at her shocked expression. “I’m gonna hug you in a bit. Are you okay with that?”

“S-sure.” Marko clears her throat a bit and nods.

After a few minutes I step behind her a little and try to wrap my arms around her. It’s a pose I’ve done a few times with people, but I forgot how much taller she was from me. Sensing I was having some difficulty she stepped aside for a moment and brought me in front instead. I’m not ashamed to admit it. It really surprised me. Marko boldly wraps her arms around my waist and rests her chin on my shoulder. I shiver just a little and decide to lift one hand up on my shoulder and the other against my side to at least give the illusion of bigger breast.

“Are you cold?” Marko whispers gently in my ear. I kinda was, I was braless longer than I thought I would be and my legs were just starting to get a little chilly. So I nodded. Marko drew her body a little closer trying to share her own warmth. “It’s just a few more minutes. Then we can go out in the sun for a little bit.”

“Snag some food too. I’m so fucking starving.” I mutter back and Marko briefly hides her face behind my shoulders. I can feel her whole body lightly shake. “I mean it.”

“Yes, I’m starting to get hungry too.” She pulls back up and smiles down at me. It’s an odd feeling having her so close and pressed up against me. I nearly forgot how nervous I was having Mikasa seeing me topless and Hitch eyeing me every chance he got in the front row. Fellow posers didn’t really talk to me and just did their own thing unless they were purposely doing poses for two people. It was really…nice…oddly comforting…

The weirdest part…

Was that I realized I really liked how Marko held me by my waist. It was firm, but gentle at the same time and full with such warmth. Taking a chance I leaned my head against her shoulder more and just looked up at her. Marko immediately tensed up partially because I relaxed more of my weight in her hold.

“Hey Marko…I can see up your nose from here.” I half whispered to her. The tenseness left her and she let out a rather loud and short laugh before covering her mouth.

She really is too adorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHhhhHHHhhHH!! Thank you everyone for reading! This one was a little longer than usual. I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who's stayed with me so far. I always tend to get a little nervous whenever writing a chapter and your comments and feedback always energize me and make me want to make each chapter better than the last. 
> 
> I'm not sure if I'm moving Marko and Jean's relationship too fast or not. If you agree or don't agree please leave a comment down below. Also any suggestions/comments are more than welcomed! Even if it's a short, "I like it" it'd deeply appreciated. 
> 
> Again thank you all again for so much and all you do!! You mean so much to me!!

**Author's Note:**

> Small bit of art. :) Also thanks everyone for giving this a read. It's been taking me long to get this out mainly because I'm doing it the old fashion way: Writing it down on paper, checking it, editing it and THEN typing it up. 
> 
>  


End file.
